Sadness

Although my different tastes and lack of sociability seperates me from the crowd, I am not so different from others my age because at one point, we have all dealt with sadness.

My life itself has been a happy one. There was nothing anything that I couldn’t bounce back from, but life is not without tragedy. The only ones I had dealt with early on were the deaths of pets (2 rabbits) and other animals I had gotten close to (an albino pigeon, a blue jay, to name a couple).
The death of my godfather was the biggest death in my family, the only one that really affected me at all. I recovered after only a couple of days, so there was nothing terrible about.

The biggest loss I’ve had up to date was a double-whammy. My 2nd rabbit of 7 years died around the same time I lost Dream Street, a boyband I had grown to believe in and it was only a year after I discovered them. It took me a long time to get over that… and I’m still recovering in the fact that I haven’t really found a solid artist to call my favorite (while everyone else knows their name).

I’ve had bouts of depression during high school for various reasons. In 9th grade, it was over grades mostly… but ridiculously about my wants to meet Dream Street (I did get that chance, luckily). At least then, I had something to believe in. I’ve had my routine crushes in high school, one in 10th grade and one in 12th, both which have dealt blows to my heart. It’s funny, though. Crushes took up my mind a whole lot for no logical reason. I just wanted to be near them, be acknowledged by them, the typical thing. When I heard the first one say that we could only be friends, I sent through a period of sadness for a couple of weeks, but I eventually bounced back from that.
11th grade was mostly about grades… I saw a lot of C’s that year. I’m not a straight A-student, but I do have the potential to be one if I poured myself into my studies 24/7… I’m mostly A’s & B’s.
12th grade, I had little to do, so all I could think about was my latest crush (who was already taken). I’d deal with sadness now and then because I’d try to say something to him, but didn’t get the courage… that sort of thing.

There was never anything really major about it. I even dealt with a little bout of depression last fall when my classes were starting to pressure me. Somewhere along the line, I think I started to believe more in fate and God and if I was destined for a certain path, my grades would come to reflect that. (I got straight A’s that semester).

I haven’t been in Prince’s world long enough to really determine whether or not he’s kept me from having bouts of depression or sadness. The journey hasn’t been 100% happiness, though. During spring break, I exposed myself to my 4 new albums in the same week and started to feel the pressure get to me. I listened to my soul tattoo “Gold” and while laying in bed for the next 20 minutes in tears, both over the song and the pressure I felt, I could hear him reach out to me. He told me how to go about approaching his music… and since then, I’ve been able to keep myself on the straight and narrow 99%. I’ve had maybe one off day or 2 since that same breakdown. That’s part of the reason I approach his music on a spontaneous basis. I wait for a certain song to come to mind that gets me in the mood to pick up the next album. He’s like my guide through the journey and I’ve grown to trust him. He hasn’t steered me wrong yet.

One of the lessons he’s taught me is that music is meant to enpower & enlighten, meaning that it isn’t meant to be sad or depressing. It’s supposed to lift you up. It also seems that life itself is wasted if you spend your time being miserable about whatever.
Here’s a catch, though. I like to write poetry & fiction, I have for years. The only problem here is that nearly everything I write has some kind of drama in it. I only have, at most, 5 poems out of the 100+ I’ve written that are about sadness… and they’re among my better ones.
I’ve written seven works that could be published when I come into enough money and they’re all roughly original, just the characters are based on a few people I know. I have two overly dramatic ones, or so it would seem.
The first one I wrote shortly after I heard about a student suicide in my high school, the first time I became aware of such a thing. My health teacher took our class aside and we discussed it, why someone would take their own life and how they could avoid that type of sadness. I suggested music as a way to deal with the sadness, although I’ve become dependant on it at times, it really does help a lot. Back to the work, my character was inspired by a soap opera character I didn’t really know much about (except who played him)… and I put him through agony for 4 years before he decides to take his own life… or at least tries to. His friends get him to the hospital, so he doesn’t die… but then he gets the flu & pnuemonia and is basically on his deathbed… but he ends up living. On my first draft, my 2 readers (both family) thought I was being a little overdramatic. So I changed things around a bit. I made it a series of flashbacks from the character going through a therapy session, which is ultimately part of his senior project. After giving his presentation and passing, he ends up giving the same speech around the country… and the morale of the story is basically “don’t be afriad to look to your friends and family for help”… I’m not quite sure how well that’ll go over, but certainly better than the last draft.
Another one that I’m still working on is about a tigress who loses her family at a young age and finds a wolf who’s been injured. She helps heal him, but at the same time, his heart heals to heal her own. When they meet again years later, she ends up falling in love with him and in the end, gives her life to save his… Her character is full of sadness, definitely what you would call a tragic heroine.

It simply can’t be helped. Drama is all around us. I just happen to write better when I inflict it on my characters. It’s easier to write about pain and suffering than happiness… who knows if I’m secretly hiding a certain sadness of my own? Only God and possibly Prince could know for sure.
When I hear his voice, there’s something very comforting about it and I enjoy hearing him sing. I notice that nearly all of his songs are about a certain happiness. Then again, there are a handful that contain sadness. Money Don’t Matter 2night is a classic example that he seems to consider a sad song. However, yesterday, I felt a little troubled because I listened to Purple Rain and it sounded like the song itself had a sad ending. I thought it was uplifting because it’s well orchestred and very beautiful… is the song really about a lost love that Prince only wants to be happy even if she’s not with him? I find that really hard to believe that the song was a sad one… so I’m going to wait and see if I hear it someday and found a happy interpretation.

I don’t know for sure if Prince will prevent any more sadness from plaguing me… but if I do find it, I’m sure he’ll find a way to make things right again. That’s how much I’ve come to trust him.

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