Ever since getting through “The Gold Experience” last night, I’ve felt really off about something. I felt unsettled. It could very well be all the things going on (school coming back around and the fact my roommate hasn’t gotten back to my email yet). But there’s probably something else and I think I found out what it is.
I’ve mixed and matched a few tracks from the three different albums, even structured a diagram so I can connect the songs that have a similar vibe and keep things more organized.
I started with O(+> with a few tracks. “I wanna melt with u”, I still don’t like much, but it helped clear my mind a little. I went right to “Continental” and it took a little while for me to accept him again. It’s kinda strange saying that, but I felt like there’s something that I’m missing. That’s why I’ve been feeling funny since last night. I continued on with “Damn U” and fell in love with him within the song. It was of course, for Mayte, but all the same, very sweet and romantic. The Prince I could easily fall in love with. Then I played a little of “Love 2 the 9’s” before going over to TMBGITW.
I was a bit nervous going back to TGE, but just listening to his delivery of every line made me almost tear up. I wanted to hear more songs like it. I then jumped over to “God created woman,” where we weren’t exactly in-synch with one another, but it sounds like his “capability” with Mayte helped him make sense of Genesis and inspired him to write it. How’s that for romantic? I then checked out “Morning Paper,” which took a little while to get back into, but I figured out what it was about. I guess it was about the huge age gap between him and Mayte at the time and it was a sweet, happy-go-lucky tune. I was ready to turn it off and go over to “Dolphin” cuz it has a similar vibe.
I caught the very start of “The Max” and turned off my player. Then I turned it back on and had a lot of fun with him. The rhythm of the lines make it so much fun to sing along to. I played the segue in between just for a little fun and I switched back to TGE for 319. I enjoyed it a whole lot more than I did last night. My mind’s in the right place and everything. As planned, I went to “Pheromone” on Come. Although the vibe was quite a bit different, it still hit because he had the falsetto, alter-ego voice going for him. To loosen up a little, I played Loose and really listened to the music, enjoying every minute of it. I think I kept imagining him doing “Darling Nikki” while listening to it, like what he does just before he starts singing it. Boy, I really don’t want to go all the way back there right now. To capitalize on my conclusion, I ended up with “Papa.” It was all for the last verse.
“Fair to the partly crazy, deep down we’re all the same. Every single one of us knows some kind of pain. In the middle of all that’s crazy, this one fact still remains. If u love somebody, your life won’t be in vain. And there’s always a rainbow at the end of every rain.”
I’m not quite sure where in my random track lineup I figured this out, but I realized how TGE had scared me as much as it did last night. 3 reasons. 3 songs. Dolphin, Eye Hate U, and Gold. Yes, even my soul tattoo has caused me a little discomfort. But it really boils down to the other two. Just the feelings of sadness, desperation and anger I can sense in them and Gold reminded me of all that yet again.
It just tears me up inside to feel like this from just those songs. But I can barely imagine how he endured that pain for so long. Sure, I’ve had my times when I’m like, “I can’t stand to hear him sound unhappy.” I had that problem with Automatic & Something in the Water from the 1999 album, but it was nothing compared to this. Of course, I came up with another interpretation of Automatic that’s less intense. I can’t quite pinpoint what the exact issue is off the top of my head right now, but even when surrounded with so many good tracks, sometimes his sadness does get the better of him. I have such a connection with him right now that I can feel everything he does and if that’s the case, it has to be really bad. Who knows how long he had to endure that kind of pain? I’ve only come to see it within the past day and it’s already killing me. I suppose he kept himself busy by writing as much music as he felt he had to.
For a moment, I thought of, hypothetically, writing a letter to his 1994-5 self, saying that I feel his pain and want to know if there’s anything I can do to ease it. Then how would he react? Cuz I felt completely awful for him for everything he’s dealing with at this point. Now, I feel like I really can’t go through TGE as a whole because I don’t want to have to deal with the tracks full of pain. I hate seeing him that way and feeling everything he feels. Almost too much to take.
I wonder if Mayte ever asked him that question. “Is there anything I can do to ease the pain in your heart?” Who knows what she could have done for him? [the obvious comes to mind, but I’m not gonna go there]. All I know for sure is that she convinced him that writing all the time would just pile more on top of his current load, and so put him in “studio rehab.” Maybe that’s how they really fell for one another and he knew for sure she was the one (at the time).
I found myself going back and forth behind O(+> and TGE, so the majority of the two feel very similar to one another. Come just comes from a different part of the mind, and I guess it’s edgier and plays up more of the good points than the bad.
After journeying into my own mind with experimenting with possible interpretations of a certain storyline from different angles, I decided to return to some of the tracks slated for Come. Endorphinmachine was unbelievably fun, then Space made me make so many confessions of love cuz it was so unbelievably sweet and beautiful. I think “Shh” really takes the cake, though. On the inside, especially the last minute or so with his guitar solo, I just wanted so much. I felt like I could almost feel him next to me and was nearly driven to tears cuz of it. Just so unbelievably beautiful… like nothing else. I feel like it’s the song that’s gotten me the closest to him, to know what its like to be “in love” with him, have that feeling reciprocated, but at the same time, I can still feel the sadness that he feels. But that’s why its one of my all-time favorites.
Right now, I’m not sure where I’ll go next in O(+>’s era. But I can’t check out Rave until I resolve the issues I’ve been having with TGE… maybe we’re too close and that’s why I’m feeding off his feelings of anger and sadness the way I was… but I’ll shelve Gold until I’m fully prepared for whatever it/he has to tell me. I guess it just saddens me that he hasn’t quite found the peace he’s been looking for yet when I thought he had.