I realize he has a song with that same title, but that’s not what this is about, mind you.
This is about me and him. Sure, I know there is no “Us.” But now more than ever, it really feels that way. Since the very beginning of my journey, I’ve thought of him as more than an artist I listen to. I saw him as someone to look up to, to follow and learn from. At times, I saw him as a very good friend and also a mentor in love & life.
Now, I don’t even know what he is to me anymore. And it could be a number of causes. My 17th viewing of “Purple Rain,” the negativity on prince.org towards him. On top of that, there was a party on my floor for one of the girls who turned 18. It was fun for a while, but then when the crowd got bigger and the music got louder, I had to leave. I couldn’t take it anymore. I half felt like calling out for “sanctury”… but I didn’t put an album in to listen through. It’s disappointing and disturbing that everything thinks that kind of music is the best there is. Seems like people my age only care about music they can dance to, not music they can chill with and listen to the words. Sing along with like the good old days. It almost drove me to tears a couple of times, both back there and later on because I felt so out of place. Not just because I was a couple years older than the others, but because they don’t know/appreciate what I listen to. And I fear that musicians like Prince will be forgotten because my generation grew up with audible garbage in place of true music.
I played through the Brits performance and felt like pulling out several times. But I couldn’t. I had to keep going through it. I saw something in his eyes that told me not to stop, but I don’t think I got his meaning. Was he trying to tell me something?
My mind knows who he is. Facts and figures. Where he’s been and where I’ve been with him. But it feels like my heart has forgotten everything he had done for me in the past… well, it’s only been a short journey. But it feels like a lifetime. I feel like I want to take a longer break from prince.org, but I can’t. I want to keep voicing my opinions and getting some back. I half want to stop listening to his music for a few days so I can really get some work done, but I can’t. I do have a free will of my own, but I’m afraid I’ll only do more damage by letting go.
I’ve considered returning to Rave for another go. And I even thought about giving The Black Album a listen-thru. But with both, I’m half afraid it’ll put me in worse shape than I am now.
I used to believe that things happened to me the way they did because Prince wanted it that way. I’ve started to believe less and less that he really has a hand in anything I do with his work. It seems ludricious to even think such thoughts, so I try to bar them from my mind. But I want that belief system back. I want to have that hope return to me. At the same time, a part of me is saying, “he doesn’t care about you and what you do. He doesn’t have a hand in what happens with you and his music.”
Our “strange relationship” has been one rollercoaster ride after another, but I’ve always bounced back to a new level of… us having a connection. I haven’t truly connected with his music in a long time. That was back when I could actually feel the emotions behind his songs, but TGE stopped me in my tracks. I haven’t quite forgiven “Gold” for putting me through that. It’s a sad day when your soul tattoo betrays your trust in it…
I wish right now that I had a sign that I could go back to the way things used to be with me and Prince. I’d give anything to feel that way about him again, even if it is false… because it still felt very real to me even if it was just an illusion. But I doubt I can count an appearance from “dream” Prince. He never comes when he’s called.