Reopening old wounds… now wound

Time and time again, I’ve called music my anti-drug.

In most cases, take any song and it will affect my mood, making things better. Each song paints a picture and I enter a world outside of the one I’m in now. I see myself in a better place in most cases and each song, even each album has a unique feel to it that sets it apart.

In the best cases, an album never loses the initial feel. The something you get from the first time listening to it. Whenever you hear it, its like opening a time capsule. You remember the texture of the different notes and how each lyric affected you.

I’m going to hope right now and for the next couple days (whether or not I choose to keep experimenting with this album, I’m not 100% sure right now), that this doesn’t reopen any wounds.

Music can’t hurt you unless you crank the volume up too loud.

But if given a particular scenario, like a drink with all of the liquors mixed together in a whacked-out, dangerously high alcholic level fashion (sorry, at loss of words tonight), there is chance for spiritual fatalities.

So far, this sensation has only happened maybe twice for me. But only of the two cases continues to be something I struggle with.

I thought it was bad when my favorite boyband split up, but taking a band I loved to listen to, replacing the lead singer, getting a whole new vibe together… cannot even put it into words.

A couple years after this incident, I read “New Moon” and had to finish the book within 2 days to make sure Edward returned at the end. Those two nights (during reading and after finishing) were hard to get through.

Its strange now, thinking how Prince wrote in “Sometimes it snows in April” that you should always “cry for love, never cry for pain.”

A couple of times when it comes to music and that book, I have cried for pain. And there are different kinds of pain.

There was such an intake of loss when reading “New Moon.” Writing it in first person didn’t make things any easier, in fact made the pain more tangible. I’m not experienced in relationships, but I swear if I was ever left behind like that, I doubt I’d be able to come out of it the way Bella at least tried to for her dad’s sake.
All these Twilight references, I really can’t stop bringing up because its fresh in my mind and it helps me make sense of things. Its not just because I’m a Twihard.
Those were two nearly sleepless nights, the first one more so than the next.

I was excited for The Click Five’s new album just because I loved their first. They had a good mix between current trends, Beach Boys and Beatles and I couldn’t wait for more. Unfortunately I didn’t take into account Eric Dill’s departure as their lead singer.

It was like they became one of those independant bands I don’t listen to. Something like Fall Out Boy and The Killers, etc.
Regardless, it was a shock I didn’t anticipate.

And its funny. I just checked wikipedia.
The band was dropped by their label and will be releasing their stuff independantly. Furthermore, with the new lead singer, they dropped everything that had made them great for me, the Beatles vibe down to the matching outfits. So, I gotta say WTF… what were they thinking?
First of all.
And second… I shouldn’t be as worked up as I am because they’re not making an impact in the mainstream scene anyway. Their singles from the album didn’t even make the top 100. I wasn’t even aware that “Jenny” wasn’t the only single.

Right now, it looks like that’s the only song that’s the bane of my existence so long as I’m listening to this album.

In the beginning, I tried to organize things, sort them out in my head. And also to give some overplay to some of the songs that were killing me (metaphorically yes, but there were some physical pains that went along with them).
I hoped with the overplay I’d become immune to whatever pain resulted.
That really didn’t help all that much.

In fact, just because it proceeds that song “Flipside” has me a little edgy because I know what’s coming afterwards.
Today the lyrics hit a little close to home
“there’s nothing showing on the outside, something’s dying on the inside, I’m still broken but I’m free, see you on the flipside”

I try to put on a brave face for people through every day just because I don’t want to lose face, especially at work cuz they don’t know me all that way.
I think I’d only let my closest friends see those insecurities, but I don’t want include one person just because I’d rather not him see me as a wreck.

I listened to one song the other day “I never told you” by Colbie Calliat on the radio. Killed me. Because it made me think of him. And I pictured myself telling him that I’m in love with him, but I’m so insecure with myself that I don’t deserve him. Not quite the “coming out” I’d been dreaming about with him. Not sure if I’d even do it in so many words. I don’t know if I’m in love with him or not.

The opening bars of “Jenny” put me under everytime. And the pain feels like my heart being curved out of my chest… a little more gruesome, I admit, than the visualizations I’ve had the past week or so… but I won’t go into that. It’s not pleasant.

I’m really very much debating the following because there are a couple of songs, more than a couple actually, though frozen in time with the way they felt the first year or so, they really aren’t that bad. One could actually do well as part of a future soundtrack to something I wrote… teen angsty stuff and the lyrics “I’m numb on the asphalt” was all I needed for me to consider it.
A couple Ryan Cabrera songs will be there as well, all leading up to or describing a pretty dramatic scene.

“Last time”- Ryan Cabrera
When I’m Gone”- The click five
“Blind Sight”- Ryan Cabrera

I was inspired by a soap opera and this was after a kid at my school committed suicide… so yeah, pretty nasty stuff, but that’s just the climax towards the end. Really shouldn’t have been as much fun to write as it was…

Now I want his album in my car. “Blind Sight” took me a couple of years to really appreciate. Its an intersting track written by Ryan on his own with no co-writing on his first album.

The incident with the click five album happened to be the same summer when I was just drowning in Prince’s music (best possible way) and had no access to the Internet for a month or so… no access to any of the people I talked to on .org. Felt very lonely. That’s another contributing factor to the meltdown, I guess.

A year later, something similiar happened.
But I’d known Jesse McCartney for a couple years. I knew his work pretty well. And even though his “Departure” was unlike the previous albums, some of the songs still had his stamp on it. What won me over and kept me believing in him was the fact the last song was called “not your enemy”, which he happened to co-write (one of only three songs on that album… unlike the previous where it was all but one song)

Let down your guard
and show me your colors
don’t fight it anymore
show me you’re with me
open your arms
I’m not like the others
so don’t fight it anymore, no
what will it take for me to make you see…. I’m not your enemy

How do you expect things to get any better,
if you keep me on the sideline
don’t you know,
there’s a million things I wanna do but you gotta meet me halfway
You gotta try

At that point, I was thinking “where the hell is his head? why is he doing this?” It felt like a sell-out to trends set by the likes of Justin Timberlake and hip-hop. Scared the hell out of me.

But all I needed was that song to calm me down and relax.

Listening to Prince during that difficult time really helped me come around. But I’m debating about really taking my favorite songs, putting them on the computer and just smashing the CD because the vibe isn’t compatible with me… I doubt it ever will be.
I’ve been dying to smash it for ages actually just because thats what it does to me sometimes.

Loyalty will go a long way, though. That’s why I still believe in Jesse as an artist even if I don’t agree with all the moves he makes. It may have been at his concert where the Click five (original line-up) where he was overshadowed, but in the end, he will be the one to overshadow their legacy in my eyes.

I’ll try in the future to stop crying for pain because there’s no telling when its going to end. And I’d prefer things not to start back up again. I’d just gotten over (for the most part) the funk I’d been in for what feels like ages.

For all I know, it could have been PMS and I just didn’t realize


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