I’m kinda like Kristen Stewart in that way

Except for the proper name, that’s a line from Twilight, one of the lesser known.

The very first time most people saw anything of it was a teaser trailer:

“You’re fast, incredibly strong, your skin is pale and ice cold… and sometimes when you talk, its like from a different time. I know what you are.”
“Then say it… out loud.”

From a trailer standpoint, I can see why that would grab the attention of possible Twi-hards and Twi-haters. But as part of the movie, it seems more like a device rather than something truly needed. I guess I can add that to a list of things I hate about Hollywood. Sometimes they rush these things when it really feels cheesy by forcing the issue.

In the book, Bella finds out about it after Jacob tells her a few “scary stories” and he actually says the cold ones are vampires. Then she has somewhat of a breakdown, playing a Linkin Park CD on repeat so loud it hurts her ears so its impossible to think about anything at all. Then she confesses to Edward that she knows when they go to that restaurant in Port Angeles and he hates that her reactions are too cool and relaxed when she should rightfully be afraid to be with him. A little build-up doesn’t hurt anyone except for probably the people who can’t care much for character development.

“Adventureland” was one of those such movies where its about the characters interacting with each other rather than there being a strong central plot. In ways, it is like Kristen’s other performance in “In the Land of Women” with Meg Ryan playing her mom and Adam Brody playing the new boy next door that both of them mess around with. I dig Adam as Seth Cohen, the comic book geek who makes you laugh to next week, but I can more than tolerate him as the suffering on the inside type.

I mean, the previous is a little bit of a low-budget type of movie where there really is no point to it, but its worth seeing at least once. I doubt I’ll watch it again, but it was an interesting way to spend an afternoon.

It’s strange to admit this, but I’ve been believing it for years. I see a little of myself in certain people. Like, what I would have been in another life given their area of expertise. I would write music like Taylor Swift, though probably not country. To her, its all about the relationships, falling in and out of love.

It’s funny. I remember reading someone else saying that, someone I interviewed via email as an expert for my graduation project, something on writing and publishing poetry. I went through my desk drawer in my computer to get it. He did that say and it was his and many other songwriters’ #1 inspiration.
Also found a list of VH1’s 100 best 80’s tracks. Now I definitely know a lot more of these than before… still can’t stand “Come on Eileen” cuz they sound like a bunch of frickin’ hillbillies that cawn’t sing (that’s the British can’t, lol).

One thing I will say for Adventureland… has a great sountrack. “Rock me Amadeus” was played several times, despite Jesse Eisenberg saying to play something else… I knew I had heard the song before, but had no idea whose it was. Hilarious and my suspicions were right on the money, it was set in 1987 (my first guess, Ronald Reagen on the TV giving an address gave it away… im guessing cuz of the Challenger).

Anyway, the whole venture to find the quote had me thinking that I should really get another shelving unit for it. Never mind that, I need another place for my CD’s cuz my 200 album rack is running out of room, lol… okay, it might be more like 140 or 160.
My being a sucker for 80’s music kinda took me off the beaten path… where I’m beating myself up because I’m losing interest already.

The odd thing is how I feel I don’t relate as well to people my own age. There are a few artists I follow closely that are close, but most are now getting on the younger side. Taylor is 21 (my sister’s age) and Jesse is a year younger than I am… then at our community, I get along well with the people probably moreso than my peers. I don’t know what it is, but I somehow get the feeling I’m going to end up with an older guy… given the word ‘older’ is in reference to being a couple of years, not decades.

Even more strange I should say that because this one guy I’m interested in is 2 years younger than I am. When it comes to certain things, he can be immature. Then at the same time, he can be dead serious about some things. As much as he doesn’t make having a drink or two every now and then, he knows better than to get behind the wheel being a little buzzed. (Don’t worry, I’m not insisting he’s a drunk… not that I had really been around him when he’s partying with his roommates or whomever). He can be very responsible about that sort of thing, which I guess goes with the territory of having a dad who makes mugshots of criminals of such acts.

There have been some things here and there that I remember him being dead serious about whatever the hell it was. And that’s the kind of thing I appreciate, a little bit of common sense never hurt anybody. There was maybe once or twice where he asked me why I don’t drink all that much or only when I’m around family… I think he was under the impression that I had gotten really messed up once and didn’t want to be a “repeat offender.” That’s the part of him that insisted that I loosen up on occasion.

Now while Taylor Swift would be what I’d be like if I were a musician, Kristen Stewart, despite her being a tad younger, probably would be my acting M.O. The quiet, suffer on the inside type. But she embodies Bella’s strength so well in the Twilight films, which makes her an inspiration to a lot of people. When the cast was on Oprah once, a girl had flown in from an island nation in the Carribean to see her because she thought that same thing. It was very sweet that the two got to meet, that sort of thing.

Now let’s get off base right off… just leave all obscenities outside the door because I won’t get into graphic detail. In fact its not even about that. Keep it PG.

People do certain things in the shower whether its singing to themselves when they think nobody’s listening (great acoustics too), massage their shoulders to loosen up the nerves or just plain brainstorm.
I’ve done all three, but today I stuck to the 2nd and 3rd options.

It was one thing over the winter of ’08 when the two of us have frequented my dreams, a regular Thelma & Lousie, hitting the road together minus the driving over a cliff thing (I’d heart such stories, but never saw the movie). That was more or less the story of us going back and forth to the field station for Ichthyology. Once or twice when he was my ride, he insisted I go with someone else because he had his share of “issues” that implicated his tardyness, something that’s made him a bit of a joke to some people.

When it comes to him coming over to my place, it’s never a laughing matter. Something’s always out of whack. Either he got lost or he was just plain running late. Same old story everytime. The above probably made my folks think he’s a complete idiot that nobody can rely on.
He’s the same guy that I call all the time, but he rarely answers. Never mind that, rarely calls me back more like. I don’t mind so much calling, but it makes me feel like I’m being needy and a bit hyper that I insist on calling him all the time. I swore after a while that I wasn’t going to keep doing that.

I’ve gone from that to pretty much no communication at all. The last time we talked it was on Facebook and he’s never on it to begin with. I tend to approach these things the way Kristen Stewart does with the shyness, whatever it is… I don’t want to appear needy, but right now I’ve just plain been ignoring him. He doesn’t make the effort to call me so why should I call him? I hate having to be the one to bite the bullet (hope I used that right… eh, so-so, I guess)… but if he won’t, I will have to. Of all people, I’d rather not fall out of touch with him.

Yes… “and I’m out of my head when you’re not around”… that whole shtick. And while I’m at it, I’ll quote something else.
“[He]’s like sunshine… everything is brighter when [he]’s there” that was Ashton Kutcher on Jennifer Garner in the movie, Valentine’s Day.

I spent a day in Smithville with my friends in October and I was miserable because he couldn’t make it. I might have still been mourning for my dog (to a point, I think I still am, though its a lot easier these days), but I just felt like a complete mess. Not even Dave, Sam, Zook and Brian (the kook… haven’t seen him since graduation) could have made it any better.
It was like New Moon when Jacob wasn’t around, there was no sunshine, warmth or brightness. I was convinced that I was overthinking things and I probably was, I am convinced. I hope the lot was able to forgive me for not being up-tempo with all of them, but I’m sure the majority (who know the truth) understood perfectly.

So while in the shower, I was contemplating making the call. The first time I thought about it since the day after Christmas when I was texting three different people to see how much snow they got (it was quite a storm)… I wanted the hot water to take away all of the nerves that I usually feel during this contemplation.

I want to say that I’ve gotten used to the fact he never picks up… but as much as I expect it, I also expect to heard him say something other than his phone message. It’s quite the conundrum in such cases. I shouldn’t be nervous to talk to him, but fact of the matter, I am.

The Thelma & Louise dreams weren’t what started it. I’d only known him for a short time, but then I have a dream about us stumbling into an impromptu make-out session. We lean across the cafeteria table and share probably the world’s greatest kiss. It was helluva lot better than it was with a guy who friended me on Facebook and invited me to his dorm to watch American Idol (almost typed idiot instead, lol… love that album) when he wanted to put some other moves on me. I only wanted to watch the show, but it was beyond awkward and I was beyond a wreck.

He made me feel comfortable to me around another guy and I thought we had a good report, talking about the lecture we went to on aquaculture (irony: we had that class together a couple years after the fact)… probably the fastest friend I ever made and he was the one that found me in n-wing, that all-so special place I loved to hang with my friends during my senior year. We would literally stay after the place had closed to talk about God only knows what.

Then I had to have that dream that just messed things up. Meaning that it put ideas in my head that maybe it was destiny, maybe I have feelings for him beyond friendship. With the all the honesty I’d been drinking in at the time, I got him alone and confessed it. I said I interpreted it more as us being really good friends rather than future lovers. He agreed, though I said that not to scare him off. I didn’t want to assume anything, especially after that guy in high school that starred in my dreams over 60 times… now that was insane and it didn’t end happily. We still talked afterwards, but he didn’t want to be together that way.

I’m always going to have that dream hanging over me, giving me a reason to be nervous to talk him. Because I think I might feel something for him. My life being as screwed up as it is right now, that’s one thing that sort of makes sense right next to my new year’s resolution of finding a publisher to take me on.
This scenario comes and goes all the time. It’s easy not to think about it, but it’s like I’m putting him out of my mind. I rarely talk to my own friends anymore and none of them deserve. Least of all, him, if he really means so much to me.

So, nervous as can be, though with a little bit of borrowed strength, I managed to leave a message o his voicemail. Something I haven’t done in a long time. I’m usually a complete ass and hang up as soon as I get the machine. I’m getting a good feeling that he might call me back sometime today because I made the time to leave a message. Then there’s me being endearing because I wholeheartedly said that I must leave the worst phone messages on his voicemail. At least it better be that more than me just plain sounding pathetic.

What brought all this on… another dream, but we didn’t get as far as the impromptu make-out session. We barely talked. It was strange, though, it was as if he was there as my protecter than anything else. I remember details like heart-shaped Victorian laced pillows that are a nice light strawberry color with a swirly Hostess embelm on top on the one couch I was sitting on. There was a part where I’m thinking I don’t want him to leave. I’m singing to myself part of a Maroon 5 track “Never gonna leave this bed” outside of his car as he’s getting out. I’m wearing a hoodie over my iPod, so he might not see my face or know it was me. Chances were he knew… and then I look for his car, can’t find it outside the window and realize he must have moved it across the lot. There was snow on the ground. And I got that “protector” feeling to the point I wrote it down in the dream.

Honest to God, I have enough material about our shenienigans (mostly his) that I could write a story about us. I don’t know how its gonna end because he doesn’t know how I feel (or maybe he does, I can’t be sure)… I consider telling him over the phone but can’t bring myself to do it. Something that important needs to be in person and it has to be done at some point. Even though I don’t want the fantasy to end, I have my suspicions because I’ve been down that road a million times.

Something about him is special, though, for a lot of reasons. We may disgree on the front of music, but after he upset me with something he said counteracting something I said, he seemed to want to ease the tension in saying he liked the song playing when we got the mall (“Fireflies” by Owl City… a new personal favorite). It wasn’t in that lovey-dovey sort of way of making up for something, but it certainly felt nice to hear him try to reason with me a bit. One of these days, we’ll have to have a discussion about it, though I hate arguing. With him especially cuz I don’t want to come off as harsh. I spent half of the day we spent together mad at what he said and I regret wasting that time being mad when I could have just hung out with him.

Ugh, all this talk is making me want to call him again. But I can’t appear desperate just yet. Besides, its almost dinnertime.

A guy this special definitely deserves his own story, I will say that much for him šŸ˜‰

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One Response to I’m kinda like Kristen Stewart in that way

  1. Ah, crushes…they can be both wonderful and awful at the same time!

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