In response to the majority

I feel compelled to start this entry with the following request:

Those of you who viewed yesterday’s catastrophic entry, I’d like to know who some of you are. Email me and let me know what you think. Whether I’m being completely mental or on the money, let me have it.

I mean, it wasn’t even among my best entries and catastrophic describes it better than anything else I can currently think of. I don’t know if whatever readers I have just glanced at it and left or they actually read my nonsensical dribble.
Yesterday, I guess you could say I was in the best and worst of places at the same time.

I had the strangest dream last night, but overall, it was foggy.
What I could figure out was this:
My fan letter to RDJ had been sent back to me. There was no additional writing on anything, but the stamp from the SASE was gone and several spelling errors were highlighted in yellow. So what was I supposed to do? Fix the grammatical errors and try again… as if Robert Downey Jr. is such a big star that I can’t be acknowledged with a reply if I don’t have proper grammar…

Yikes, that’s almost as realistic as the possibility he actually takes the bait and either calls the number I left at the end of my letter and/or writes a reply himself.
Including a SASE is something I hadn’t done before, so I don’t know what luck I’m gonna have. I did not ask for an autograph (which is basically the reason the people on that website have sent him fan letters and gotten their things back with his signature) and I didn’t exactly ask for a reply.
So why should I expect one?

Up to this point, I’ve lived an ordinary life, so maybe I’m expecting something out of the movies. Something completely out of the ordinary to happen and turn things around for a non-moving existence. You’re not really living if you don’t dream big, but hey, wild and crazy things have happened to me before… I’ve been long overdue for another one.
But the differences is so big in this case that I can’t even think of a word for it. It’s beyond gigantic, ginormous and gargontuon (I know, bad spelling)…

What I deem as crazy is next to nothing compared to this. We’re talking about an A-list movie star, who is very likely busy filming “Sherlock Holmes 2” at the moment… why would my letter be so different he’d think to reply to it? Take even 10 minutes to do such a thing.

Heck, I called my own letter atrocious and was openly questioning my motives in the actual letter. The bottom line was that I had said this was no more than a one-way conversation I wanted to have with him… me doing all the talking and him reading.
Truthfully, I think I was more honest and open in the letter than I am with most people. I criticized myself multiple times and even called myself on my horrible attempts at flirting with phrases like “old enough to be my father” and “I know you’re happily married”… I was high on adrenaline and nothing else.
So I had maybe a page of intro with lots of compliments on his acting. Then I opened into why I wrote it… asking him whether he ever overdosed to as big an extreme as Julian had in the movie… and spending the latter with more compliments and congrats on his sobriety.

All I have to go on that could result in something positive… I included an SASE and maybe he found my helplessness endearing to a certain degree.
I think this borders on Bella’s dilemma early on in Twilight. She questions herself on her obsession with Edward and why she would think he’d be interested in her cuz they were part of two groupings that never overlapped… I kinda feel like that now with all this atrocity.

But RDJ isn’t Edward Cullen. He isn’t any member of the boyband Dream Street or Jesse McCartney, for whom I’d considered myself insane for considering coming face to face with them on multiple occasions. He’s so much better and much more reputable than any of the crazyness I’d attempted before.

This is what my life has boiled down to. Pretty pathetic, isn’t it?

I don’t know if its my age, my biological clock, my college experience or whatever… but it’s becoming clearer that I’m becoming more and more attacted to older men these days.
Prince kinda got me started on it, but he’s quite the exception… starting with maybe 1982 and going forward, I’d fallen for him mulitple times under multiple looks and outfits and parts of his personality. And I even find myself more comfortable with him at present because he has a distinct sense of class… but his earlier music has me awed and amazed more than anything else.

Speaking of which, I started listening to some today. I was playing the old school arcade games on PlayStation including New Rally X, Bosconian and Galaga… I was actually having one of my best games with the latter, but then after level 15 (my favorite challenge stage), I started losing focus and lost all my lives…
The music helped and hindered at the same time and I was kinda getting into some of it. “The Beautiful Ones” was probably the one that stood out the most and I still think its as pretty as ever.

I relearned how to play “Father’s Song” on my keyboard when I found that the HonkeyTonk setting sounded very much like that old grand piano. And I guess that got me interested, as did playing a little of “When Doves Cry.”
Speaking of which, I’ll get back to that. I was up to the beginning of “G-Spot” before stopping. Yikes, I was dreading listening to Computer Blue and having someone walk in I get really into that song that it could border on embarassing.

For the longest time, “When Doves Cry,” was the only Prince song I’d ever hear on the radio. And each time, I’d welcome it. I think after a certain amount of time, I could get sick of it. That is yet to occur, thankfully.

Here’s the biggest positive I came away with today:
I’m no longer possessed by the obsession, although I still have the whole obsession thing still going on. I’m approaching the YouTube clips feeling not particularly addicted to them or really needing to keep watching more and more.

Then of course there has to be a little bit of a negative. It’s something else really strange and existential… thinking outside of the box and reality in general. Like I’d ever had a good grip of reality in my life…
My life right now feels like it’s tettering on the edge of knife. Some days are better than others. Friday was one of the worse I’d had in a while and yesterday was probably one of my better ones. Sooner or later, I feel like something is going to happen that’ll help things in one direction more than the other.

Tomorrow, I’m going to attempt to get back behind the wheel, get some much needed cash from my bank account and head off to the mall, best buy and borders to take advantage of some good deals. Can’t really ignore DVD’s for $9 each. For all I know, some of RDJ’s lesser known works could be worth even less. I think I will definitely want to take advantage of anything I can used. Chances are very good that any of his movies that had been returned were because they weren’t to the buyer’s satisfication. I did the same with my Prince albums and I haven’t found a bum record yet, thankfully. Their “used” policy has me feeling very confident.
Driving might not be as much of a breeze… I hadn’t been behind the wheel since I accidentally bumped the car in front of me at a red light that was on the urge of becoming green. I think I will have to really believe in the “4 second cushion” thing for the majority of my drive… that’s the only thing that will make me confident about not getting myself into anymore trouble.

It’s strange, though. The edge of the knife thing… I might be paranoid or maybe I’m losing it a little bit… can’t help but wonder if I only have a few days left to live. I’m being philosophical not cynical here or sadistic/masochistic here… and this isn’t one of those “contemplating suicide” things either. In the past I’ve proved myself to be too much of a coward… but really, I’m not interested in the aspect. I’ll let fate take care of itself in this case.

Meaning that whatever happens to me isn’t going to be my doing… nothing is going to be intentional and possibly it’ll be one of those wrong place/wrong time scenarios.

What I’m probably freaked about most is that tomorrow I will somehow cause another accident or I will get caught in the middle of one because of someone else’s negligance…
They say that every life has meaning and because I don’t know the meaning of mine, I’m wondering if I’m here because I’m meant to die and that would affect someone else one way or another… something abstract like, I die and one of my organs goes to someone who really needs it and that person in turn does something nobody else would have been able to… now this is getting really deep, but with all this free time, I listen about all kinds of stuff whether its sane or not.

If I can help it, I’m not going to die by self-infliction, drinking under the influence, overdosing on narcotics or reckless driving.
I can picture it as being an accident. Building catches on fire. Trip and fall into the ocean and drown. Struck by lightning. Attacked by a shark. Getting broad-sided by someone driving recklessly or under the influence of alcohol or narcotics.
I’m getting a sinking feeling that because my life isn’t going anywhere and I don’t see any way out of this period of non-moving existence… therefore the universe will have to speak at some point and move me one way or another towards or away from moving from this major rut I’ve been in for a little more than 2 weeks.

How’s this for ironic: I’m listening to “Moonbeam Levels” and I’m writing about my death in a joking tone… boy do I have problems

But I will have to say that that song and “When Doves Cry” did help things along a little bit.

It’s probably the first time in a long time I’d felt close to anything listening to Prince… earlier, it was getting a little depressing because I was listening to this stuff and not getting into it at all. It was just coming and going as just about everything else I’d overindulged in.

One thing I’d hate to happen is I’ll watch Tropic Thunder for the umpteenth time and the illusion will be completely gone. I’ll see RDJ’s character and I will see him rather than the character he’s playing. The blackface helps as does the dialect he’s using, but I’d much rather not watch that movie knowing full well who’s playing Kirk Lazurus. I’d rather focus on the dude disguised as another dude rather than the dude playing the dude disguised as another dude.

Holy crap… I wonder if that was one of his improv lines because if so, he REALLY should have won an Oscar for that role. I don’t know what anybody says and I’ll try to stop repeating this over and over again… I’m sure I’m not the only one annoyed with myself.

Speaking of awards, the Grammys are tonight and I’m a little concerned. Word on the street says that Eminen will win record of the year this year… after being denyed in 2001 and 2003 (I got it from an article in the paper this morning, don’t get excited/skeptical), they say this year will be his year.

Okay, yet another rant about Eminen coming up… and I’ll save myself the trouble of, god please forbid, my reacting to a win.

I don’t know why he’s in the news so much, why there are literally dozens of trivia questions about him the past few months… hell, I don’t know why the hell he’s out of rehab. As far as I’m concerned, he should have stayed there and never recovered. Because if he wins, the music industry will never recover from it. The winner of record of the year isn’t a musician or even an artist… he doesn’t have anything to do with music and rap should never have been recognized as an artform. I have to resist gagging everytime I have say his name out loud, that’s how strongly I feel about all this.

Of course, there has to be a voice questioning my stance here.
What makes Eminen different from Robert Downey Jr, a guy who spent a great deal of the 90’s in and out of rehab and the police station… why should he get another chance when I don’t believe Eminen should?

I’ll skip my rant about how much I respect RDJ and get to the facts.
I never respected Eminen to begin with… “Slim Shady” was a popular track when I was in 8th grade and I was conceivably the only person in my entire school that hates it and him… I always knew he was bad news and his time dealing with addiction proves just that… and far as I can tell, his habits have changed, but his attitude never will… he is rotten to the core.
RDJ can be a bit pretentious (okay, very), but deep down he’s hard working, he really respects the craft and hell… he loves movies as much as being a part of them. Far as I’m concerned, he cornered that market, has the talent to back it up and goes about it the right way.
I don’t see how rapping can be deemed as worthy talent as does lying expletive upon expletive and getting praise for it… simply makes no sense to me.

Only two weeks to go until Oscar night, which will probably feel more like another Christmas more than the Westminister dog show will tomorrow and Tuesday night… I don’t feel quite as excited about that this time around. But I’ll see how I feel later on.

Basically, I’m going to go out tomorrow and get myself a bunch of movies.
Stranger still, Chaplin is coming out on blu-ray on Tuesday (no need to wait for that) and Due Date is coming out next week… if anything I really need to get out of the house. Even walking the dog around the neighborhood, I’m feeling very claustrophobic about the whole thing.

My choices will include Chaplin, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (so I don’t need to indulge in that possibly illegal download again) and his album The Futurist… and if I can’t find the latter two, I can always order them online. I’m not going to hold back doing that, especially for his album. Gets me a little closer to the genuine article.

Comments about Kiss Kiss Bang Bang suggest its similar to Pulp Fiction in the way you can’t really explain it and merely say that you gotta see it.
The stuff is pretty sick and I’ll take anything where RDJ gets to be comedic, can narrate and he plays someone who’s an everyday kind of guy. Nothing against Chaplin or Tropic Thunder on this… but anything where he plays someone that, hey, he could be playing himself for all I care.

What I do see from all the interviews is that I dig the guy if he’s acting and if he’s speaking. I get energized from anything I can get and I can get a lot. That’s kind of the thing that separates him from Prince… you get access to more clips, he doesn’t shrug the fame off quite as much- he embraces it… but like Prince, I watch the clips and learn more about him as a person and it gives me a little more to think about when I watch his movies

I’ll go on about my purchases later tomorrow and maybe I’ll have time for a short and sweet entry about my favorite guys, seeing as it is Valentine’s Day

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