Salvaging one’s self from depressing thoughts

What I’m gonna attempt to do with this entry, to say the least.

And just maybe I’ll get into it a little bit about songs with inapproriate lyrics that I can forgive because of the other parts of the songs. Whether it’s a catchy melody, a great hook and anything in the musical aspects.
It’s also the reverse. I will hear songs that fit in the rap/hip-hop category that I will forgive for being as such because the lyrics are just too good to pass the song up completely.
Storytelling usually plays a crucial role here.


The past couple of nights and the ways I’d spent them… has me thoroughly convinced that I’m trying to make up for lost time. Spending a couple hours on YouTube watching clips to make up for the fact I hadn’t been able to over the past 5 days.
As if it was bad enough that I had to sit through “Wonder Boys” again, if only for my mom to experience the joys of it with me… and of course I actually found bits and pieces of it that made me not get quite as repulsed by Terry Crabtree as I had the first time around.

I had the comfort of the fact that the film was shot in order… because, it might be me, but Robert Downey’s eyes looked kinda glazed over during his first couple scenes. Like he was in recovery or something. I looked it up and I want to say that this was the first movie he did after spending a year in prison, so that’s why he looks the way he does.
Then there are a couple of very honest moments that reminds me of the tremendous actor he is despite all that. One sign is where he’s reading James Leer’s story on the typewriter, admiring it.

Given my state of things, non-moving as they are, despite the fact the dude is totally in it for himself, I would kill to have Terry Crabtree for an editor/publisher because at least it would be something. I could really care less about his motives because he gets the job done with ample material at his disposal.

So I watched that… then went through the motions with “Heart & Souls” for the umpteenth time.
One thing I did notice… could be my imagination, but his eyes get really red when he tells Anne that he loves her at the end of the movie… like he’s gonna cry or something.

Nothing I’d watched was an interview or talk show appearance… all of it has been film footage so far.
Last night kinda defied me to ask the question if I have a problem… well, duh, I know I do, but it’s not taking me any closer to stopping.
This morning, though, actually seconds before beginning this entry, I was thinking that even reading things that he said is enough to make me feel better about my lack of predicament

I got started last night around 11-ish… maybe 10 minutes after because I wanted to get in a little more dialogue between Casey and Julian before I stopped.
I’m attempting to throw a little of the “bi-curious” scenario in there… playing around with it to see if it goes anywhere. My heart isn’t quite in it right now. I mean, googling Alexis Grace to see if she had an album in progress yet did help me write some dialogue for the character she inspired… but my attention was primarily on Julian and my supposed infatuation with him, his infatuation with my character… what a tangled mess.

On the community forum at writer’s digest, I actually wrote a thread about something I addressed a few entries back. About writing something because you feel you need to address, a story that needs to be told, even if it doesn’t go anywhere or you’re not completely enjoying it… nobody’s responded.
So I’m incredibly worried/concerned that I might be too eccentric and out there for people to really understand where I’m coming from.
I mean, ask any of the people who knew me when I first started writing posts on and they’ll tell you how long-winded I can be in my writing. When I discussed any aspect of Prince, my fingers literally got away from my mind and were typing on their own accord. Things I said about him were honest to God truth… all the while, I believe I was writing in such a way that I was attempting to mimic his style, going really deep into things and seeing beyond the surface.

God, I miss that…

What I write is honestly the truest thing about me. Something that could never completely translate to my non-writer personality, the one that my family sees everyday. My friends are closer to that than my family is and they know it a bit better. But even they aren’t remotely aware of some of the things I go into when I’m writing. In my own little bubble.

It was kinda funny to read Stephenie reminscing about spending a summer writing “Twilight” and how she alienated herself from everyone so she didn’t lose anything that could go into the story. Putting herself in a bubble.

I do that nearly year-round… if it were up to me, I would go on a retreat in the middle of nowhere with only a laptop and write all day, not being bothered by anyone. I think the loneliness could be spared for quite some time. As long as I have something to write about, that is.

This morning, so far, has been really slow. I’m going through the motions, feelings like a goddam zombie. I’m always kinda like this, very low-key around the house, so I’m not sure if anyone really notices that I’m not quite myself these days.
The worst part of this morning was waking up and knowing that there was nothing I was looking forward to, nothing I really wanted to do to entertain myself… I had gone to a certain point with my story and have lost some interest in it.

Well, not completely. Most of it has been dialogue between Casey and Julian. Heck, it’s been so bad that there would literally be another person in the room that I completely ignore while they have this in-depth conversation with one another.
I think at some point I have to decide to take Alex out of the room, give her an excuse to leave because she has so few lines that its like she’s not even there to begin with.
For the most part, I think it’s an exercise. Going through it line by line, having these two bounce ideas off one another as to what the next step is.
Then it has me wondering how much longer I can possibly drag it out. I mean, I had accomplished everything I’d set out to do.

Casey interns at the rehab center to see Julian
Julian spends the 2 weeks delivering heavy sarcasm and putting walls around himself
Casey gets fed up and offended and leaves at the end of the first 2 weeks
Julian cons his way out of rehab to talk Casey into coming back, although Alex had softened her up to the idea of returning (says she doesn’t have it in her to walk away from something like this)
Casey and Julian reconcile over coffee
Casey helps Julian through a vicious withdrawal (which I’m very vague in explaining how it happened… like anyone’s gonna believe his psyche triggered it after he was so disgusted for breaking his sobriety for one small dosage)
Julian recovers. Next day, he and Alex meet

What else is there to really accomplish here?
I’m already not feeling the idea of a very strange love triangle.
Casey possibly being in love with two people at the same time… Julian only has eyes for her.. and I don’t even know where the hell Alex stands in all this.
Last I checked, she dated a dozen different guys in high school… all of which were only for a couple of dates.

I believe that’s something that’s common when someone is trying to figure out which team they play for…
But what do I know… I think I can safely admit at times, I have been a little bi-curious, seeing certain women as being beautiful in more than just the inital appearance… there’ve been at least 2-3 examples of that in my lifetime.

I’m not sure how much I’m feeling the bi-curious storyline in this, so I’ll see one way or the other if it pans out.
Either way, I’m still not sure how successful this attempt at recreating Julian has been… bits and pieces are true to his character, but I think I amplified certain things I remember about him just so I’d have some good dialogue to go with it.

Perhaps the biggest problem I see right now… the dialogue between my character is far too similar. You wouldn’t be able to tell which one is speaking without the usual “he said/she said” tags.
I think it’s more for my personal purposes to have them use the same language with Julian’s more than occasional heavy sarcasm.

In this list of futile attempts to recreate my perception of RDJ for a story, I think the next logical route might be a reverse of the current situation. Something to really put my depression to good use.
I suppose in maybe 20 years, if he sobered up, got his life back on track and actually made it through several years of additional schooling, Julian could pass off as a psychologist/psycharist type… and while we’re role playing here, I could be the person that’s in his place. Except my vise isn’t addiction… it’s loneliness/hopelessness/indecision

It could be quite interesting, especially since it would be his 20/25th year of sobriety and he hadn’t thought about that troubled time of his life for that lenghth of time.
I could very well experiment with making him the narrator, then that’d be something else entirely.

As for what I’m on right now, I think I had just broken 30 pages. So I’m going to suspect that I’m up to at least 20,000 words.
So much for it being a short story.


I dabbled in a lot of stuff last night… quite a bit of new footage too, things I’d never looked at before and even thought to.
I guess it’s safe to say that I’m going to add “Air America” to my list of Downey films that I gotta see. The footage on YouTube looks pretty interesting. A different type of movie. And I dunno, there is something to him in this role that’s simply magnetizing.

Not without my occasional moment of desperation though…
It’s one thing for me to watch the likes of “Fur” and “A Scanner Darkly” because I’m trying to kill time, looking for something to do…
but to even consider “Natural Born Killers”… my God, what’s wrong with me… am I really that desperate for new Downey footage?

You bet…
For maybe half an hour yesterday, between 7:30 and 8, I considered the possibility of sitting through that movie, seeing as it’s on YouTube for my viewing “pleasure”
I believe I looked it up and decided against seeing it because it looked strange.

Now I have multiple reasons to believe I’m right in my first assumption. So what if this is where he first used an Australian accent for a movie… and in fact, Robert suggested adopting that accent for this role himself… that’s not enough to convince me to sit through something this disturbing.
IMDB is my go-to site for all things movie-related… I looked up this movie and since it was R-rated, I looked up the page where it lists all of the content that gives it this rating.

Completely neglecting the fact Tarantino wrote the first draft is one thing… but it’s something else to behold all of this gore… for crying out loud, man, this looks like the kind of movie that could give me nightmares and incapacitate me for a certain amount of time because it’s so disturbing.
Story regarding the writing of this: Tarantino wrote it and Oliver Stone, the director, rehashed a few things. The gore alone is all Tarantino… and Oliver Stone took liberties of shifting the focus of the story to the “killers” rather than Tarantino’s intent: RDJ’s character, the film director Wayne Gale

A minor role is one thing.
Tons of gore and bloodshed is another.
The fact that his character dies in gore and bloodshed is unforgiveable… I don’t think that’s something I’ll be able to get over that easily.

There are better ways for an actor to die in a movie. Even though I revel in being a tomboy, I am not willing to put myself in the path of all that horrifying imagery.
Heck, it’d take the weirdness I see in Fur and A Scanner Darkly and magnify it times a million.

That’s also part of the reason why I don’t wish to sit through Kill Bill, because of all that bloodshed that supposedly takes place.
And I believe there is also a ton in “Pulp Fiction”… I’m undecided about whether or not I’ll see it once just to see about the hype, but everytime I think about that needle, I cringe like nobody’s business.

With much success, I talked myself out of watching Natural Born Killers… what are my other options…
Well, I started out the night with some footage of “Two girls & a guy” which I’d love to see… too bad it hasn’t been panned as a success in the box office. Strangely enough, Seiskel and Ebert loved it… I mean, LOVED it… and they were in total agreement, unlike their review of Chaplin where Ebert was a bit harsh in his critique… rightfully so, I agree with his issues with it, but I have more than one reason to depise what he has to say about my favorite movies
I’d seen this footage before. Where RDJ’s character finds out that the girls know he’s a two-timer and fakes his suicide to prove a point… I’m pretty much over that fact. Then there’s another scene where he does the whole Travis Bickle “are you talking to me” type scene… except he’s giving himself a pep talk in the mirror… Ebert really liked that part because its like he’s talking to himself, i.e. the actor who is dealing with issues.

You can kinda see here that he’s not in the best place physically… but you do see his acting brilliance.

I also saved myself a helluva lot of trouble by taking advantage of my next series of footage:
All of his scenes in “U.S. Marshalls”… that movie has been on a million times on AMC these past couple months. I actually sat through 20 minutes before deciding to turn it off… not my type of movie and I remembered the fact he hated working on it.

Check it… AMC shows movies with commericals, so this sucker would run for 3 hours. And he plays a minor role in this, so I don’t see myself spending those 3 hours wisely by breaking down to sit through it.

I knew for a fact that he dies in this movie as well… but I learned quite a bit about his character that I had no idea about.
I got it from the viewer comments in the 5th video of footage…

end-all, be-all… he ends up being the movie’s villian. The one who set up Wesley Snipes’s character to be incarcerated in the first place…
I saw in the 20 minutes previously… I was uninterested in all this, he seems uninterested, as if it was a bore to be there in general.

I swear to God, I don’t know what it is about him… but he actually makes a helluva bad guy. I was watching the last video, which runs for 5 minutes. Where he’s cutting off all means of life support to Wesley Snipes’s character in an attempt to finish him off… and it comes out that he set all of this up.
I’d seen the footage briefly so I knew he was going to die here… but at least the same time, I couldn’t help but hope he comes out as the victor in a very heated stand-off between him and Tommy Lee Jones (who we are left to believe was shot and killed in an earlier scene)…

There’s something to be said about an actor with that kind of commanding authority. Such passion in that scene.
Can’t help but think right now about the end of “Under the Cherry Moon”… Prince ought to take notes from this guy about dying with dignity.
He couldn’t have helped the fact that this movie came out 12 years after UTCM, but strangely enough, RDJ makes a death look convincing and those in love with him stick with him to the very end.

Quite impressive, Mr. Downey.
But yeah, I won’t need to watch the entire movie again because I have all of the footage I need. And it doesn’t get much better than the death scene 😉
I could definitely see why he didn’t enjoy doing this movie and in bits and pieces, I could see he wasn’t enjoying it (with even more distaste than “Soapdish”… I’ll still watch his footage but I doubt I can sit through the entire movie when he’s so blase about a lot of things).

I then read something in the comments on one of the videos of film footage.
It was written 5 months ago and someone asked if he was doing drugs again…

Then I wasn’t even sure if it was in the same…
okay, I’m holding on while I check my sources…
I saw it on the Oprah promo for his appearance on her show in… 2004? I believe.
someone asked if he was doing drugs again… I checked the rest of the comments and someone directly corrected the person who asked…

I remember reading that in the comments and I nearly had a heart attack… it carried over to this morning and I was reading things he had said on his IMDB profile. Nothing gave it away that he had slipped in his sobriety…
I’m so glad I double-checked.

So… let’s see… 7 years sober. I’m never completely sure if it was 2001 or 2003. I think it’s 2003. But that makes me happy.

The one thing I can really hope for him right now… despite the renowned fact that I will still stand by him if I hear otherwise… is that he sticks to this new healthier life style.

And fingers crossed that he won’t become another Tiger Woods or Schwarzenger… cheating on their spouses with a dozen other women…

Respect thyself, respect thy marriage and respect thy family…
in the name of all that is holy, could you do that for me, Robert?

Please and thank you.

I agree with a lot of the comments here. In the promo, it really looks like Oprah is being too harsh with the way she says this and that. And there are moments where his eyes are red, like it’s getting him worked up.
Sheesh, lady, go easy on the guy.

Oh man… :sigh:
I consider interviewing my favorite celebrities and shudder at the mere idea.

Prince is one thing. I mean, the guy will not talk about the stuff I’d most like to know about. Different things on different records, where this and that came from… there are literally millions of questions I’d love to ask him, but I can’t fish any specific ones out of the think tank.

So many people are preoccupied with Robert’s troubled past so it’s all they ask about… I’d like to get a few things straight, like the dates about this and that arrest… prison time, what movies were filmed during and after that stint in rehab. Although the answers might be out there and I’m too afraid of another emotional moment to go deep into it.

If given the chance, I’d most likely to go via the “Actor’s Studio” approach… go through all of his movies, particularly the ones I’d seen and/or enjoyed and ask bits and pieces about what he’s brought to the different characters. How it served him one way or another

Man, I would be so thorough with that that it’d be unbelievable.
yeah, some person who’s been unemployed for however long is gonna waste time listing possible questions I might never get to ask or get answers to

Quick side-note:
watched a few of scenes from “Johnny be Goode” in midst all of this other film footage… frickin’ hilarious despite the fact, hey, Leo is a total weirdo.
There’s a scene where he and Johnny were in a room with three out-of-town girls who “never had sex before” and offer to give them a hand… Leo gets two dames on the bed with him and he’s storytelling. Meanwhile, each time you go back to him from Johnny, he’s wearing one less piece of clothing…

not that I’m complaining, but what the hell…
I dunno… I just crack up when he says something like “…one of those times I actually do see red”…
makes me think about “Due Date” where he said a couple times that he saw red and flipped out on Ethan, later having no recollection of it

Then the two get arrested under the assumption of underaged rape or some BS like that… it’s a means of the coach to convince Johnny to go to his college of choice, which means a college coaching job for him.
The comments are hilarious… one on the fact Leo is only wearing shoes, socks and underwear (again, what the hell…)… and another is “you go see John Bender in five years… oops wrong movie”


I suppose movies like “Chances are” and “Heart & Souls” can inspire questions about whether he believes in reincarnation, the afterlife, unfinished business… both movies kinda deal with the same thing. One, he plays a man who is reincarnated, and in another, he’s the “corpeal being” that helps four souls take care of unfinished business… both movies are supposed bombs since there are no interview where he discusses either of them

Heck, I’d like to ask his opinon on those two and “Only You” with Marisa Tomei. He worked with her in two movies… as he did with Elisabeth Shue… and Kevin Kline… I wonder if there are certain actors he loves to do multiple movies with… Jamie Foxx is another.

There’d have to be at least 2-3 questions about “Less than Zero”… no avoiding that really, seeing as it’s occupied so much of my interest that I can’t go an entry or even a day without thinking about it.
I know how he got cast for the part, how there were concerns cuz he wanted to go to parties after shooting the party scenes… my questions would be along the lines of:

1. was there anything you learned from doing that movie that you took with you?
2. how did it affect you and your abuse habits?
3. wasn’t there a part of you that wanted to take a word of advice from the movie’s “anti-drug” message?

The more research I do on all of this, the more I’m going to think how ridiculous and petty my fan letter was…
Might as well have given him a list of questions… that list of questions specifically

“Soapdish” literally begs me to ask if he really was as bored doing that film as he appeared to be…
the only thing I did hear concretely about that movie: he had it in his contract that he wanted to keep all of the glasses David wore… and he couldn’t fathom what possessed him to do so

Other than getting specific dates straight, I don’t think I’ll go into the 90’s too much with my questions… I think I already know all I need to know about what it was like for him to be in prison

Let’s see…
Home for the Holidays, I think I know plenty about

I dunno… would it hurt to ask which films he did where he was slightly whacked out on black tar… like he managed to keep a regiment to not use during his later 90’s films… specifically One Night Stand… not many others come to mind, actually, because most of them I have marked in red, reminding myself that I’m not interested in seeing them.
One thing I did hear about “One night stand”… he said he was dealing with a lot of issues during that time, it was a good movie for him at the time, and supposedly he was “operating at a deficit”… didn’t weigh very much…

Word supposedly going around Hollywood at the time… directors were casting him in movies in hopes it would help him find equilibrium… if he’s working, his mind is distracted and he’s less likely to get into trouble…
I’m gonna stick with the supposedly part and list that under my list of questions… if that’s true, could you confirm or deny it, and if it is true, what is your response to the people who did that for you?

One thing that begs a question… in several roles, his characters sing… sometimes briefly and other times, well, see the likes of Ally McBeal for that

Was that something that was already part of the character or was it something he thought to bring to the character…

Then of course I’d have to ask if he still writes music and what he writes about these days… he seems to regard The Futurist as a bomb because “nobody bought it” but I’m hoping he still takes pleasure in it, the fact he did something outside the norm, something different to broaden his horizons.
Each song begs its own question 😎 where it came from, why it’s in the album and what’s supposed to be taken away from each of them

“Smile” doesn’t really need an introduction or explanation. The only song there that really doesn’t require a question.

“Your Move” begs the question “why?”
Covers are one thing, but I don’t see why that song has to be on this album. Doesn’t make any sense to me. And I doubt even an explanation from him personally would change my mind. Just doesn’t feel like something that draws any attraction cuz his voice is attached.

personal note.
I’ve been getting more in the habit of eating less over the past week. I think I had trouble falling asleep last night because I hadn’t really eaten since dinner and I think I skipped lunch.
Just weighed myself for the first time in over a month.

There’s a reason I hate doing that and I hate looking at myself in the mirror.
I don’t like what I see. “Plain Jane” covers the entirity of my physical appearance… I’d kill for blonde or red hair… blue or green eyes… but I’m stuck with brown. I’ve considered dying my hair red and blonde but it hasn’t gotten the chance to happen under this roof. I posted on Facebook I might consider going blonde and my dad wouldn’t have it.

Kind of the reason why I tend to sympathize with Bella, because she reflects the Plain Jane archetype… nothing particularly interesting about her on the outside, so she wonders why the guys react differently to her at the new school. She’s more or less a novelty because they’d been stuck with the same girls in their grade over the past several years of schooling…

The fact nobody asked me out, I attribute to the fact I don’t look interesting.
Supposing my writer’s personality reflected upon me physically, I’d probably pull a Lady Gaga and wear a couple different wigs and that out-of-the-box make-up job.

Not entirely true… two guys asked me out over Facebook based only on a couple of conversations and my Facebook photo… neither of them were of any interest to me and the approach one of them took was the wrong one. I’m not the girl who likes to jump right into things with a guy the first time I meet him.

The other guy respected my boundaries a bit more and was gentlemanly enough to ask me to dinner… I’m more of a dinner and a movie kind of person.
But I think I was still kinda “damaged” from the previous experience. I was a bit nervous about being alone with a person I didn’t know all that well. Prince was heavily on my mind at the time and I was rationalizing a lot of things in his way.

Apart of the part of me that is a writer, my personality is defined by whatever person/thing rules my personal universe… I literally have nothing about me that makes me my own person.
Overall, I guess you could say that I’m a shy, reserved writer who hides behind different trends and interests to keep from existing in reality.

So I don’t like what I see yet I don’t try to change anything.
Except on job interviews (the rare occassions) and formal occasions, I don’t believe in wearing make-up. Superficial as I can be at times, I have this odd belief that I shouldn’t hide myself behind make-up and let people see me for who I am… hell, I don’t even believe in the littlest amount of make-up, that whole philosophy about “the key to applying makeup is to make it look like you’re not wearing any”

Hmm… I’m almost thinking of myself as Selma Blair in “Legally Blonde”
“she could use a lot of mascara but she’s not completely unfortunate looking”

Me, I really don’t really fit in that first category… I have really well defined eyelashes, the kind that some people would kill for. So the mascara thing is something I really don’t need.

Oh yeah, and I’m almost at 145 pounds.
I was self-consicous when I was getting back to 140 and now I’m almost at  145… because I’d been out of work for 8 months?
That’s why I hate weighing myself, despite my curiosity about how much I weigh.

One other thing that’s really bugging me right now are dozens of mosquito bites I’d accumulated over memorial day weekend… both my arms itch, as do my legs… no mention I have this really odd bruise I don’t remember getting that’s drawn a lot of questions

Slowly, it’s healing, I think… but I can’t help but wonder where it came from. Doesn’t even hurt.
One thing that might be of some concern is if it takes a while to go away and it appears that it isn’t going anywhere. I think I read somewhere that it’s a sign of cancer or leukemia, some really dark spot on you that you can’t seem to get rid of.

Seeing as I’ve seen a lot of sunlight walking the dog every day, skin cancer seems like the only possibility of me getting cancer.

I just gotta hope and cross my fingers that nobody else I can care about gets diagnosed with pancreatic cancer because there’s no cure… I really hope against hope for that to never cross into my family or into any celebrities I happen to hold very dear.

Fall of 2007 was a trying time for me and my lack of romance in my life… I turned away the second guy who asked me out while I was going to school there, saying that I’m not in it for that kind of relationship. Putting up all those walls again.
Oddly enough, maybe a week or so after that was said and done, I picked up “Twilight” and it literally devoured me alive. I was so in love with the book and so amazed by the story.
Makes me kinda want to pick it back up.

I’ve been taking lots of notes on the individual chapters. I’ve come to the conclusion that I really like a lot of details in the dinner scene where Edward takes Bella to that restaurant in Port Angeles… and I don’t believe it was addressed as well in the movie as it could have been. Little inklings from that conversation were such treasures that I dearly missed seeing translated.

As far as I can tell at this point, there was never a hint in the book about the other vampires until they arrived at the baseball game… a few moments were taken in the movie to show the nomads hunting. Little segues were made in conversation here and there to really play up the “world of vampires” angle.
I didn’t really get that from the book at all. I think it was more of a love story, the whirlwind of teenages experiencing first love

I swear there were a dozen things they did in the movie just so it would carry the typical Hollywood suspense… the dramatic reveal and such… it makes for a good trailer, yes, but c’mon, that was really overexaggerated

One problem I had yesterday was that I had a million different things I wanted to do and I had to separate and decipher which path I wanted to follow… continuing reading and making notes on Twilight, write more dialogue for Julian… playing Kingdom Hearts and finishing the game so I can play the 2nd one through again

Man, I meant to make that quite so I could get right back to the second game… a lot of which I surprisingly prefer to the first game.
The only thing, aside from maybe the look of some things and people, that I preferred in the first game was the difficulty… the 2nd game is TOUGH in a lot of places if you’re not really prepared for it

Writing this entry had helped me come out of the funk I was in this morning… now I remain as indecisive as ever about what I want to go into next

I think I’ll end this entry here and then I’ll start over in a new entry to address the whole music vs. lyrics scenario I’d been working up to



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