Not-so distant blast from the past, soul survivor


I woke up this morning close to 9am, but I still had maybe 10 minutes before the hour.
And when I remembered what day it was, I couldn’t fall back asleep. Too much adrenaline and nerves were coursing and going haywire through my body.

This entire day… or at least the first 4-5 hours of it was just like that. One really dragged out adrenaline rush…

as if there wasn’t enough on my plate today, my mom was going through her Facebook news feed and found the trailer for Sherlock 2… and we watched it again.
Damn, that movie looks so awesome.

And to cap everything off, maybe 1/2 an hour after the show ended and I was watching the local news, the very last story was the Hollywood prem-iere of “Captain America”… and Tony Stark himself was among the stars walking the red carpet… man does he look amazing, so can’t wait for The Avengers to hit theaters next year 😎

Phew… I’m very highly doubting I’ll be able to get through this entry… well, alive is hardly the right word for it, but the thoughts playing around in my head, torturing me at some points kinda made it feel like a life & death situation.

Over a fictional character… again, I ask what the hell is wrong with me…
on the contrary, though, I remember that this isn’t necessarily the first time that happened, but in the previous case, let’s just say the object of my affection wasn’t played by an actual person that existed in reality.

I only can say that meeting his voice actor in the flesh was a major fangirl moment for me… and never in my wildest dreams did I ever dream that I would get the chance to meet her. I did consider writing once or twice in the earliest stages, but yeah… and yes, my beloved fictional character’s voice was done by a woman… kinda threw me the first time I heard that, but she’s ridiculously talented.

But yeah, back to my previous statement, this isn’t the first time I’d tortured myself over a fictional character. In the previous case, though, I actually had dreams about him… they were mostly very “lovely” ones, ugh, “lovely” is such a phony word… they were pleasant. Yet the ones that stuck with me, the first one in particular, were torturous to think about in places. He feels pain, I feel pain… the very first dream that made me write about him had him in some sort of mortal danger. I spent the entire morning and afternoon trying to figure out what happened to him, fill in the blanks.

Then when things started becoming serious, I devised the whole crux that my character comes to his rescue so many times (which alone stretches the realitistic-ness of the world) that he had no choice but to fall in love with me.

Those situations of mortal danger did torture me quite a bit and the only way to remedy it was to write about it and in the end I knew everything was going to be okay.

I wouldn’t say I’d wish for the same situation to happen here… god forbid it in fact… put myself through the eye of the needle one too many times when I looked back on the stories of addiction, jail time and rehab…

But several times today, I almost had to force myself to take notes… write things down that were coming to mind.
Between that and my rewatching the first episode of season 4 of Ally McBeal (I’m inclined to believe I’d seen it once before… far before this latest part of my life running hard and fast on Substance Downey)… I’m not quite sure what the issue was, but it was like I had an emotional cap on my mind, heart and soul. I didn’t want to go too deep into things.

Heck, him being a sight for sore eyes as he is, it took me ages to register any bit of emotion.

I also came to the conclusion maybe 20 minutes after the show ended that I can safely resign to… I dunno… not start watching the show religiously all over again.
Firstly cuz the facts aren’t working in my favor.

In ep. 2, he appears with no lines. In ep. 3, he doesn’t appear at all… by the time we get to the next one, it’ll be Monday. Who but God knows what I’ll be doing on Monday… most likely won’t be this.

I would certainly love to believe that I got enough “material” from today that I can be fine with watching the one clip of the show on YouTube where he isn’t singing… and I’ll go from there.

Yeah, I’ll freely admit like a total sap that I brought my notepad into the guestroom and took notes in just about everything… whether they were gut feelings, story ideas, reporting on the show itself and his input, and… hell, just acting ability.
Counted his scenes too… there were at least 4 that spun for 2-3 minutes each, so that’d give me roughly a quarter of an episode without commercials in the equation.

There was one scene where he had this really long (well, obviously) run-on sentence where I was wondering if he was going to run out of air and how the hell he managed to remember all of that come game day… it was INSANE.
And I was gaping like a complete idiot, only hearing maybe every other word he said and as soon as he said one sentence, I lost my train of thought and my recall just got worse from there. I was so blown away by him that I didn’t remember the content of the conversation.

Secondly cuz I think I at least have a good amount of material to work with on one day… I literally filled up an entire page, margins too, about all kinds of things I can use.
Thirdly… I think deep down I want to spare myself any further “damage”

I haven’t figured out too many details yet… but the storyline that came me during this is pretty much a story about him coming back after being gone for a long time…
I don’t know what kind of relationship I’d imagine having with this guy, why he left and whatnot…
the only thing I know for sure is that I’m very hesistant to give into anything. It might look very appealing and yeah, I might fall back into place, but I’m afraid of being hurt.

It’s kinda like a line from The Princess Bride
“I lost you once and it nearly destroyed me. I couldn’t bear it if you died again…”

And by the end of it, I was allowing myself to remember a lot of the really pleasant things. The moments that made me smile, made me feel at ease and make me never want to leave or see anything beyond the obvious.

The end of the show was a montage set to music, including Larry Paul finishing unpacking in his new office and the lights made me think about the Christmas episode…
oh shoot, totally forgot the fact he doesn’t like Christmas… it had me thinking about him playing piano and singing…

then I remembered that this guy can sing and I love listening to him sing.
Which leaves me to try to recall the last time I listened to The Futurist because it has definitely been a couple of weeks. It feels a lot longer ago than it probably is.

His singing on the show inspired me to seek out the album, espeically cuz I love him playing the piano and singing those ballads. Recalling him singing “River” is literally taking my breath away right now.

Can’t help but imagine this is going to be one of those nights where I cry myself to sleep. Almost wish I could say it’ll be the first time in a while, but nope… the last time I watched Charlie Bartlett… or listening to The Futurist the following night, I forget the arrangment… but after one or the other, it had one of those bittersweet nights.

The two things that really set me off with this guy, the “ghosts” of RDJ, was Julian’s death and the departure of Larry Paul. Both resulted in those nights of such sorrow that I woke up the next morning completely numb, devoid of feeling and I tried to hold the memories back so I wouldn’t completely fall apart again.
And I have freely admitted as well that it was worse when Larry left because… hell, not even gonna deny I fell in love with the guy. He wasn’t perfect, he had flaws (oh yeah, that’s redundant), but he was just THE guy in my life at the time.

When he was around, let’s just say I was never like this with anyone else. My head would literally tilt if it got me a better view of him. I’d sit as close to the TV as possible while being on a sofa. There’d be moments of not breathing and once I caught my breath, it’d be followed with a sigh. Everything in my entire being responded to his presence and 9 times out of 10, the effects were positive.
Shoot… I think he only really annoyed me once or twice… one of them was on Ally’s birthday and he seemed kinda clueless about the fact she was depressed without his support (of course performing with Sting remedied the situation for me and Ally)… and possibly the other one was his last appearance, but I can’t remember

Ugh, I remember my mom asking me which role I preferred him in, but I can’t even remember what my other option was. Iron-Man, I imagine

crap… perhaps of all the roles this man has done in his life, Larry Paul is probably (unless Sherlock 2 blows me out of the water and I have a hard time coming back down) my all-time favorite character of his… favorite performance…
a) because I’m totally spoiled, I think 16-17 episodes… that’s about a couple hours of screentime, more than any movie he’d probably pull off
b) it’s ironic because this is probably the least interesting possible role he has to offer

Think about it [ugh, it’s a rhetorical question directed mostly at myself]

between school bully, goofy side-kick, struggling drug addict, reincarnated lover, corperal being who helps 4 spirits find peace, man who believes in destiny and fights for a woman, Charlie Chaplin, Sherlock Holmes, thug turned actor turned detective, high school principal/father, guy from the Bronx, editior looking for profit in his clients, a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude, an uptight new father with anger management issues, billionaire playboy/Iron-Man, journalist, documentary director, gay brother, gay man dying from AIDs, man suffering from hypertrichosis, writer beridden with psorisias who writes a mental escape for himself, doctor at an all-girls’ mental institution wanting to help his former coworker…

Although I admit that there is less to his role in Gothika, Weird Science, Johnny be Good and Only You… man, that was a helluva list…

yeah, in a nutshell, Larry Paul is among his least interesting roles, so it’s mind-boggling that it’s the one of most interest to me. And I’m usually into weirdos… he couldn’t be any more normal here.

He’s probably the most realistic of all the characters he’s played too…
he has flaws, he has some “baggage” from past relationships and yeah, first time you meet him, he’s a bit of a chauvinst… who seems to be an archetype for the man who thinks that everything in a relationship is based on sex

For some reason, he just fascinates the hell out of me and getting to see him for part of an hour every day where he’s the same person (for the most part) at the beginning as he is at the end… a lot more consistent than the YouTube footage I prattle away nights with.

Him being around made me feel good, made me feel whole, like I was keeping things together and no matter what I was going through, just made me feel better…

it isn’t very often that something can be that visually simulating for my mind and heart… usually it has to be something audial… music always tends to have a good cathartic effect on me.

Although there are similarities, it is different than watching Prince perform.
With Prince, it’s always an escape. I’m so mesmerized by him that I forget completely about where I am or what I’d been doing before he’d come into my POV.

On the other side of things, I was pretty much self-aware watching the series. As dementing and ridiculous as it sounds, I somewhat put myself in Ally’s shoes and let him give me the straight and narrow on whatever the topic of conversation is.


Ironic that this is usually the night where I’m investing heavily in something directing relating to him… watching a movie or a huge load of YouTube clips. I’m very hesitant to do any of that at the moment. I’m somewhat eager to get down what I wrote in my notebook and start constructing that story.

With all of the above, I’m afraid of taking the plunge. Like the cement’s still kinda wet, I’m still kinda unstable with my mind going in so many directions (this currently at the front of my mind), so I don’t want to obstruct the balance too much so that I’ll topple over and pretty much curl up into the fetal position for the rest of the night.

The Futurist even sounds like a risky option for tonight because I’m not sure if I can even let that mojo counteract with this.
I’d been in indecision for a while because I’m unsure of where I want to go from here with this guy.

The wild card factor here is how long I can possibly stay away. Mentally, I’m still very much here, but my eyes are starting to go a little bit.

Last night was a bit interesting because I was kinda going over in my head a couple of lines and scenes from… heck, I’ll just name all three movies.
Heart & Souls
Only You
Chances Are

man did it depress me at the end of the last show where the credits said that Bob Seger wrote “Chances are” NOT Larry Paul… put salt on the wound, give me a paper cut and pour lemon juice on it, stab me in the heart again, why don’t you?
As if it was bad enough that he was gone… okay, I gotta catch my breath here so I don’t completely lose it right now.

At first it was the confession scene from “Only You” where he says that he isn’t Damon Bradley and Marisa Tomei gets all bent out of shape… I found that later on.
So I watched a couple of “possessions” in Heart & Souls… which he looks brilliant in, by the way.
I watched the “Only You” scene and mentally, I was flipping out, turning out a few coins… cuz my eyes see that he doesn’t look nearly as… ugh, another phony phrase “bright-eyed and bushy-tailed” as he was in the previous film, leading me to suspect that he was starting to go for the not-so good stuff close to that time…

It took a few minutes to settle into things, but I rewatched some “Chances are” scenes and really started to get my money’s worth out of ’em… feeling the energy I was looking for. And in the romantic department, more in the physical appearance than overall personally, Alex Finch probably comes closest to Larry Paul as far as the attraction goes.
What really blew my mind was seeing Siskel & Ebert review it and they LOVED it… even said that the movie/premise wouldn’t have worked without this guy in this role… wow. But Ebert had “True Believer” for comparison, in which he said he gave a very “ordinary” performance.

so, a) gotta add newbie lawyer to my list of characters he’s played and b) I might be in for a disappointment when I finally get a chance to see that movie.

as if he wasn’t brilliant enough at giving relationship advice, Larry Paul makes a helluva lawyer… the only time he lost a case on the show was completely legit.
Something that involved a client who wanted to clone a dead wife or relative or something… and John Cage had the side of the case that was on the side of moral ethics

Makes me kinda wonder what kind of research he did for this role to pull off this performance, at least on the lawyer side of things.
In essence, he was so brilliant even as a movie actor coming to the small screen, that he earned a Golden Globe for his performance.

At the beginning, part of me was wondering about his addiction… how much of it I was going to see in his eyes during the course of the show.
It’s kinda hard to say what’s what with the fact there is a distance in time between the filming and the actual airing date… I never noticed anything was off before, but that was before I was looking…
if he was doing that, it certainly wasn’t interfering with his work because… a little biased here, but my God, that performance was flawless. I believed every word of it

Such a nice guy.
And here I’m left with nothing more to say, no real sense of direction. I just know that I’m not in a fit state to write about him tonight.
I really hope that if I let my notes sit overnight that I won’t look at them tomorrow and not know where to go from there.

All I have so far is that the fact I’m coming back to this in small strides is giving me an idea.

I’m thrilled to see him again, but am very worried about what it’ll do to me when I do.

Then this move I have in mind to keep my distance brings up a greater case-in-point, what if he came after me, trying to find out why I’m being distant like this.

“you’d only see the tip of the neurotic iceberg, I’m demented”

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