Officially back online now (obivously) but here’s an entry I wrote last night.
entry: July 21, 2011
I overcame the same experience, but it was a lot more painful. It was maybe 4 years ago around this time. We didn’t have the main computer in the house for a long time because it crashed. Most of the blame went to .org because supposedly some of the graphics set it off or whatever. I didn’t use that website for a year or so and it still crashed the same way after getting the hard drive fixed up.
We have the computers, but the wireless router probably got busted due to heat exhaustion or overuse. So I’m writing this in my temporary blog file, which I used during the “dark ages” of that summer. And it was dark for a number of reasons. I didn’t have my .org friends to talk with or even access to my friends in reality. I got a new CD from my favorite band a couple years earlier and it struck the wrong chord with me.
Pretty much I had the entire summer with Prince and it took a while to get the Internet back and such. Couldn’t talk to my .org friends, but at least I had my blog to type on whenever I felt the inspiration. I’ll try to keep as up to date with things as I can.
In a nutshell, things kinda sucked at the house today. I was feeling pressure coming on from a couple of different sides. My sister getting her wisdom teeth out and I literally couldn’t be in the same room because I feared that my being a sympathetic… well, whatever, I wanted to spare myself the nausea. This is one of those things that kinda proves that I’m not the kind of person who should have kids. My best coping mechanism for illness that isn’t mine is avoidance, but it’s the worst when my sister’s sick. I don’t quite put a label on it, but I’m lead to suspect there is something of a gene shared by siblings where they are programmed to feel sympathetic for the other when they’re not feeling too hot about anything. And it could be anger and sadness as well as illness. All the while, I was kinda on edge about getting that call back from DQ.
I came to a realization this morning that I wanted to put in my blog, but with the Internet down again, I won’t get the chance. There are three possible ways that this could go.
a) I could get the call in a couple days and we’d arrange around the trip to the shorehouse the following weekend
b) I don’t get the call back at all and I’ll know for sure within the next three weeks
c) I get the call back in August, which I think might be the most likely possibility.
I remembered that I wrote on my application that I could start in the first week of August… maybe that’s why they haven’t contacted me yet. They’re getting back to people in the order in which they say they can start work. That’s the best possibility in all respects because
a) it’d mean employment at last and
b) I’d get the birthday celebration weekend that I’m hesitant to get too excited about
I tend to go through life trying not to get my hopes up too high about anything but I’ve had my fair share of disappointments. I’m very skeptical and cautious that way.
Perhaps the worst part of today came from the fact I don’t have Internet connection. That’s something I could really dive into with the whole avoidance thing, ye old coping mechanism. That pressure was really getting to me quite a bit and there were times in the beginning where I felt like I was a computer ready to crash. Just so programmed in my habits that I can’t help myself around them, but I’m definitely more flexible than Rain Man… that might be a little bit harsh for an autism joke. Apologizes to all offended by that.
The plus side of all this was that it wasn’t just my computer. I checked downstairs and that computer wasn’t connected either. We fix one and everything is fixed. So long as I have a working keyboard, I think I’ll still be in business.
I had the house to myself for the couple hours of my waking hours. Nothing too much going on. I turned on Animal Planet and then Frasier in case the missing parties returned to the house in the next couple minutes… I had to mute Frasier because he and his father kept singing “O’ Holy Night”… it was the Christmas episode and I was already not feeling too good.
I’d just gotten over the Christmas blues a couple months ago and I’m not ready to go back to that. I’m almost positive that it’s become more depressing over the years because of the devaluing of gifts. It’s a little selfish I realize, but it’s the one thing that’s been the missing ingredient. And I’m kinda bi-polar in the way that if I don’t get one thing that I really want, I’m not completely sold on that particular Christmas. The last one like that was when I didn’t get the right soundtrack for Sweeny Todd… after exchanging it, I’d only listened to it once or twice. That’s pretty sad. I dare say that I shudder to think if that becomes the fact of The Futurist.
I seriously doubt it, though, because sooner or later I always get the inspiration to pick it up again. Depending on how much I get done typing tonight, this could be another night. I found myself not only playing a couple of the tracks, but singing some of “Broken” earlier.
I thought I’d gotten to the point where I’d be cool with just a little bit of Downey in my life every day. And it being tiny wouldn’t necessarily derail my entire state of mind. Clearly I was wrong because that was my prem-iere thought of panic at the loss of Internet connection. No YouTube fixes for tonight… and maybe a couple more nights.
Naturally one thing led to another. I said the previous night that I’d be cool with not watching Ally McBeal today or tomorrow because the one clip from ep. 4 would do me good for a while.
I broke half of that promise to myself… and depending on my mood, as ridiculous it is given the facts, I might cave in tomorrow as well.
I was kinda curious, though. The subtext next to the name of the episode said that he’s in it, but doesn’t have any lines. I was picturing him locking eyes with someone coming into or out of the elevator in the Cage & Fish offices. But instead I think I got an episode I hadn’t seen before… which is kinda nice, I suppose.
The storyline involved a few cases about harassment. In the first, John Cage and Nell were representing the defendant of a case, in which a co-worker is charging her with harassment. Whether or not it had to do with him sleeping with the client (also known as Bree from “Desperate Housewives”… she didn’t look as plastic here), John Cage managed to win the case for her. In the other, Richard and Ling were representing a woman who wanted to dismiss a physical for company insurance and they got a settlement.
The catch: she’s actually a man who has gone through several years of estrogen treatment. I knew very well that Lisa Edelstein played this character with both sets of body parts, but I didn’t know it was a product of gender reassignment proceedings. A little back story does help quite a bit. Mark ends up picking her up and thinks she’s cute… so they start a relationship. In a couple of episodes, she confesses her true identity (as a man) by slow dancing with him really close. Which ultimately ends up in a break-up.
The title of the episode is “Girls’ night out” and it starts with a sleepover organized to cheer Ally up after her last break-up. She then gets the idea from someone else to stage a “models’ night” at the bar where the same thing happens there as it does in the previous establishment. All of the guys show up but the models don’t because they don’t want to compete with one another. Therefore, Ally and the other girls get all of the guys for themselves.
The evening ends with her recent ex-boyfriend Brian coming up to the mic to say that she organized this night and she did a great job with it… or something to that effect. But she was definitely getting down with her bad self dancing with a bunch of guys and her hair had a nice curl to it.
Then of course, we have at least 4-5 shots of Larry hanging at the bar checking everything out, then checking her out… the scene ends and the commercial begins after the two of them lock eyes after Brian makes his announcement.
That’s most certainly going to do me good for the rest of the day, but I don’t know how tonight is going to go. My eyes are starting to fail me a little bit so even if I wanted to get on that story where I have my inspiration in front of me for this, I might not get very far.
Previous to the show, while I was killing some time, I listened to a few tracks from The Fame Monster with the lyrics in front of me… the ones that aren’t singles and I had only heard a couple times. It’s my attempt to try to memorize some of them.
Out of nowhere, snuck up on me, “Speechless” had me crying towards the end. There’s somewhat of a transition/reversal that occurs halfway through the song. At first, she’s talking about this guy who kinda gave up on their relationship and it’s left her speechless. Then she’s asking if he’d give up his ways and she would never talk or love again if it would prove how much she wants to be with him. There was a certain lyric, I’m sure I’ll remember it whenever I listen to this again, that I came across that just broadsided me. My heart quaked because it sounded like the situation I’m trying to work into a story.
Some of what I’m feeling when it comes to going into the show has been figuring into possible plot points for the story. Here, I’m imagining considering avoiding going to a place where he’s most likely to be because I’m afraid of confronting him. Afraid to bring back those old feelings I had for him.
Then when I saw him, it was like the weight had been lifted off me and I could breathe. It felt so good to be around him and just to see those warm eyes to bask in was good enough for me. I didn’t need him to say a word, although I kept hoping he would say something.
I started plotting ideas in my head last night, playing around with possibilities. I didn’t really come up with much of anything except a deliberate rip-off of part of the plot in “Post-Grad,” which I had watched that afternoon. I wanted my mom to see some of it because I thought it was kind of a cute movie.
I considered the possibility that he went to law school on the east coast and we broke off the relationship because the long distance would prove to be too much. Actually I was considering the idea at first that I initiated the break-up because I didn’t want him to give up the opportunity and I didn’t want the long distance to come between us.
Then I figured it wouldn’t make sense for me to initiate the break-up. I probably would still go through the emotional turmoil anyway, but there’s always the possibility of that question: if it hurt that much, why did you break up with me?
There could be the whole “my life is here, so I can’t drop everything to go with you over there” possibility.
What the hell kind of profession am I going to give him… what am I going to be doing this entire time…
I have long considered the idea of writing a scene of a story where I don’t worry about those details and focus on writing the scene I want to write. Maybe that would be a good idea for this, for him.
Larry’s really special… and maybe that’s part of why the song “speechless” is a good description for how I feel about him. There are no words that I can use to describe him that seem to completely capture the sensation. When I allow myself to be open to feel how I do about him, deep down, I know that feeling. There’s no name or set of words for it. It just is.
Last night I went through quite a bit of footage and the entire time I wanted to find one particular clip. The only problem was that I couldn’t figure out the keywords to type in. It was where he was adding his hand and footprints to the Chinese Theater and during the press conference he runs off stage to hug his mother. Such a sweet moment.
Then I came across something I never expected to find: an interview about “Heart & Souls”… it was Arsenio Hall in 1993. The first half of it, I was trying to determine if he had begun the path of not-so-righteousness or if he was completely sober… whatever the opposite of high is. It wasn’t anywhere near as obvious and even bad as it was during interview footage from 1995… one was completely random, don’t know where it was from (saw it on a James Tobin narrated 10-minute spotlight on him) and the other was Charlie Rose… there was the David Letterman clip available from the same year, but I didn’t want to check into that either. In those, it was obvious that he was whacked out of his mind. Here, it’s really hard to tell. I’m inclined to believe, yes, he was high… but he left me with the impression that, if he is, he is the most put-together addict I’d ever seen in my life. He doesn’t miss a trick, that man.
I didn’t look for it at the time, but so far, I haven’t seen anything wrong with him on Ally McBeal. He looks as clean and seriously dedicated to his work as he was some 5 years later as Harry Lockhart in “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.” Since there was nothing on at 9pm, I had the option of picking out a movie… although this is kinda striking my fancy right now, I can’t bring myself to bring it out of storage for tonight.
Yikes, he’s becoming like my Prince albums. I’m a closet addict so I only truly indulge in my free alone time. But I kinda like the intimacy of being one on one with him and with Prince. It lets my mind roll without worrying about anyone else reading my mind or thinking I’m mental for getting into this stuff.
That’s a big reason why I wanted to get the majority of his movies on DVD… so I can watch them whenever the hell I please, so I don’t have to get the accusing looks all the time.
Tropic Thunder and Sherlock Holmes, I had to get on blu-ray because of the special effects. Nothing more. They were so impressive to me visually that I needed to get the most of the cinematic experience.
The only downside to that is that I’d only watched my Sherlock blu-ray maybe 3-4 times since I got it. I’d been catching the majority on Cinemax. Which I was more than tempted to do tonight… after watching “50 first dates,” probably one of my favorite chick flicks of all time, I think it would be pushing it and it seemed like a desperate move to keep the mojo going.
Desperate… sheesh, nothing’s gonna be more desperate than me watching Ally McBeal re-runs that I’d even seen a bunch of times already.
I want to believe and right now I’m inclined to believe that if I keep going on this path I’m on, taking ample notes of the stuff that I remember and what I feel watching it… I might have enough material to get my foot in the door of this story I’d been dying to write inspired by him.
Along the way I managed to accomplish that with Julian, but strangely enough, I didn’t need to see “Less than Zero” more than once for that. It had such a profound effect on me… and with the addition of seeing all but maybe the last 15 minutes of the movie on YouTube, and seeing the crucial scene with him and his father a couple times… I didn’t need overexposure to get the story I wanted to write. It isn’t perfect, but at least it was something. Part of it may lay in the fact that I saw more to Julian than the screentime of his character allowed. It was mostly my own imagery of what he’d be like in rehab, how to get him out of this situation. I didn’t see too much to help my case, so I winged it.
I can’t do that so much here because… Larry is complicated… there is so much to him. But I think my problem is that I can’t generate a sane or competent thought when he’s “in the room.” Nothing I think about sticks and I’m half afraid sometimes when I’m writing down ideas that I’m going to miss a good juicy part of a scene. I’m trying to put a name to what I’m feeling and the only way I’m going to achieve that is by taking note of my feelings… and if something is really strong, like a hint or an insinuation… write it down and I can work on it later.
The big problem I most likely will run into is that I’ll reread my notes and not remember what brought me to write them down. Like my mind has already moved to point c and I’m trying to write about point a and b.
With him, if I have an instinct about something, I gotta follow it… plain and simple.
It’s hard to believe, but the last time I listened to The Futurist, I was in such a dark place… heck, the thing brought me to tears a couple times because the words were speaking to me. I think the majority of that time has passed and I’m not quite in the same state of mind now that I was a few weeks ago. Not much has changed, but I sense changes are coming.
But I’m inclined to believe at the moment that it’s not a good idea to pick up this record tonight… I’m already yawning quite a bit and my eyes are starting to go. I’d hate to start listening and I’d be falling asleep during the title track. Which I have gotten close to once or twice. Maybe if I hadn’t been spending the whole night writing this entry I’d be awake enough to get something out of it. And I would like to be able to enjoy this record when I listen to it… not regretting getting it out too early or too late because I felt the obligation.
I can’t go into my blog right now to find the exact date, but the record will show it’s been quite a few weeks. It used to be that I had to listen to it once or twice a week… then it became once a week… then every other week… the time apart from the record has gotten further each time I listen to it… which I imagine is a good thing. That’ll make it all the more special the next time I do get around to picking it up.
Just for my own records, I bolded a few lines for my own benefit… things to remember when I start brainstorming on a Word.doc