Not Easily Shaken from my Subconscious

Notice:
Just returned from the last weekend at the shorehouse of the summer. Please enjoy the next 2 “backlog” entries I wrote or started writing while away 
I’ll be up to date by the end of tonight

Very few videos exist on youtube discussing the futurist. don’t know how many search results but most of them are fans poting the music freely or doing videos/slideshows to them. there are a very small handful where Robert discusses the album or gives any background at all on the songs. Far as I know, he was interviewed by Jonathan Ross, Paul O’Grady, Oprah (very briefly), James Lipton (very briefly), the view (clip didn’t make it to youtube) and Diane Sawyer. In at least half a dozen videos he is discussing individual songs, including Man like me, Broken, 5:30, and Hannah.
He discusses “Hannah” the briefest to my constant chargrin… just know that its one of his favorites. I’m sure it has its own little charm to it but again it helps knowing what its about.
I think that in “Broken” the video where he’s recording it, he discusses it and the album at the most length… it’s somewhat of a tribute to his first wife and how she still holds a place in his heart despite everything that’s happened.
 
For most of these videos, like the majority of the others, I’d seen them a bunch of times so after a while, the magic kinda disappears. Learning different things or getting different pieces of the Downey Jr. experience is what keeps things interesting. More importantly it keeps my heart in things… like if that isn’t in it, then there’s really no point.
 
I’ve said millions of things about Robert Downey in my blogs from the good to the bad… considering how much he’d become a part of my life as Prince had a couple years before. In essence, though, I don’t really have horrible things to say about either of them. They rarely are disappointments to me. Pretty that’s how it works with the celebrities and artists I let into my life. There’s a spark in each of them that I liked enough to explore a bit so even when I find something I don’t like, I can agree to disagree and move on without harboring any grudge.
 
One of the comparsions was the good/bad cop-out that I’d mentioned a couple times. Heck, when I was initially crazy about “Judas” Robert came to mind immediately. That was me playing devil’s advocate, knowing I’ll lose something or forget something about myself if I spend too much time in his world.
Ke$ha has this one song called “your love is my drug”… and in a very ironic sort of way the opposite was true… he was kind of like a drug to me, the way I kept indulging, overindulging and so on. And to add to the metaphors, there’s that Gaga track “Monster” with the repeated lyric “he ate my heart”
I made the statement a couple days ago that I would try to stop trying to force myself to indulge every night to keep this thing going in fear that either the magic will disappear with absence or my life would be empty… thing is, though, I feel that way because of what I went through with Prince. I was feeling off after a couple days of not listening to him and once I got started again, I didn’t want to stop for a long time. They’re two different people that happen to be celebrities I let into my life with different reasons entirely
 
the devil’s advocate could say I feel the way I do now because I’m afraid of letting go (see above for reasons why)… and true to that, there have been times, especially while away at the shorehouse where I didn’t feel quite right without him around. Had to keep bringing one of his movies down every couple weekends… movies I’m quite familiar with and actually have gotten sick of to a point. I rewatched the David Letterman appearance and felt a twinge telling me to skip through the Sherlock Holmes punchbowl footage… I skipped through and watched the final round of injuries inflicted on that poor stuntman
 
last night was one of those really special kind of nights… where I’m not only reminded of how I felt about this extraordinarily multi-talented man, but it… hard to explain, my dad’s laptop isnt the easiest thing to type on…
I watched two videos last night. The first had me questioning whether or not to see a second directly afterwards. Would I be fine or did I need that extra punch?
 
There’re two videos lingering of behind the scenes footage of Robert putting together “5:30″… I don’t believe I saw the entirity of this video… the really difficult thing is to put a label to what was feeling because, really, there are moments where Robert touches an emotional core in me that I can’t find the words to describe it.
Essentially he discussed that it was one of the first songs he wrote, it was about a man who discovered he was in a really bitter place, like he’d just hit rock bottom (original title was “That’s why love”…. which you hear in the chorus)… another part was a little contribution from his producer/partner in the studio (bit of family history or an inside “joke”)… and the final part that was added was with the main chords and with Robert concluding that things weren’t as bad as they appeared to be to him
 
perhaps the strangest thing about the whole thing… the song was written about something negative, supposed to be negative… yet it makes me smile whenever I listen to it. I’ve called it the happiest song on the entire record (although “man like me” isn’t what you’d place among the tragic/depressing/lonely songs that fill up the record)
 
then with the video recording “man like me,” there’s an introduction that I don’t think I remember hearing before… just blew my mind (one of many times he’s been able to do that and he’s not the full time musician in my “collection” of celebrity idols/admirations)… he said that he doesn’t know what his mindset was when he wrote it… but it dates back 10 years and has seen many edits along the way. He said the premise was very old-fashioned, a man in a pick-up truck and he said something like “I don’t care what your mother thinks, I’m taking you with me and we’re gonna go do our thing”…
being the romantic I am, I see that as something of a much greater scale. Kinda along the lines of the final chorus of Taylor Swift’s “Love story”…. I can imagine Robert driving halfway across town to see a girl he loves, proposes to her to run away with him to get married, in one of those sweeping “its now or never” moments
 
keeping in mind, yes, at the time Robert was engaged to Susan so its not entirely that image. But as the man, he has the short-term interpretation/original imagining of this song and me thinking outside the box (something I actually try to not do with him, I usually let him take the songs from his perspective and thats what I’ll think about) is just the way I do things.
 
I was looking for that video for “5:30” specifically cuz I wanted the background on it and what not… but I didn’t expect to find all the gems I did find. Plus the song was weighing heavily on my mind at the time so why not… afterwards I had to consider things for at least 2 minutes before I decided what to do. My God, my mouth had dropped to the floor and I was going into my mind, trying to see what would feel right
 
what I’d compare the next video to… it made me kinda realize that how I feel about Robert is different than anyone else and what’s more, as a result of fault of my own, my reaction to him is etched into my heart… in the other respect, Prince will have part of my music-loving soul cuz I consider “Gold” my soul tattoo
 
Without really meaning to, I kinda made myself fall in love again after I’d said my goodbyes or at least made a note to myself to not take things too seriously with him. (ugh, kinda like the time Bella realizes that since Jacob helped patch her together after Edward left Forks, part of him has become part of her… but in no way is this love triangle relevent to the situation… Prince isn’t Edward and Robert isn’t Jacob…)
sure for the moment I feel okay because I’m not really getting pressured to take any sort of action in my life as far as a career goes… but last night had me thinking about the handful of things I came to those clips, targeting to the ones where Robert has a serious conversation about his past, conquering his faults and becoming a better person… the times in my life where, for whatever reason, I was doubting myself or not feeling too good about where I was… and just him being there in the spiritual sense of his music was comforting to me. The days I came to his words for wisdom
as much as I hate to say it and take things this way, but considering the right state Prince has been in lately (I’m still questioning him interferring with his associated artists, even making them change things like names that have been around for 30 years), Robert seems to be the more reliable source supposing you want to have a conversation about conquering your fears and working on your flaws… because he knows more than enough of what its like to be addled and disabled by something
 
What I’m kinda figuring out, though it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to get this, is that I was miserable and frustrated with myself because I couldn’t write. Nothing I did excited me. That was before I returned to the editing bay and kinda seeing how I can improve upon my story that I’d written 8 years ago. My greatest fear in the rewrite is… okay, fears… is that it’ll either become too formulaic where I’m being too precise without having any heart in it or disrupting anything/everything that once made it great in the first place. so far, I’d managed to really make sure that Jonas’s involvement with how Nina’s first day ends makes it CLEAR that things are from her POV… I have this idea that once she bumps into him and becomes temporarily blind or whatnot, neither she nor the reader has any clue what he looks like and all you know about him is determined by how he speaks. Kinda tricking around with my 3rd person POV… where it’s limited in this particular scene…
and the chapter ends after he leaves her at the nurse’s office… I got as far in the previous draft as her waking up in her bedroom several hours later, no idea how she got there, her homework by her bed and she writes in her diary… it jarred one reader so I decided that I’d leave the explaining for the next chapter. while on that, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to do much editing/rewriting here. I have only the first draft printed out on which I can write comments, but I’d been taking the latest text, writing some new stuff and slowly whirling in what I’d written already
 
everything’s still in the early stages so I can’t be sure about this… but it seems to me that Robert Downey served me as probably the world’s greatest distration. I’d been kinda put down, discouraged about my lack of consistency in my writing (as in writing anything new and/or substantial) as well as the trouble with me getting into the real world… he’d given me something else to focus my time on and worry about so I can let everything else cool down for a while… and I could go back whenever I was ready. I guess it could be a good “head fake”… learning something without intending to (a term the late Carnegie Mellon professor Randy Pausch coined).
kinda like wiping the slate clean, letting the creative juices mull in the water and when the time was right, my mind would be ready to face what I wanted to write about… had to rerealize that I love this particular genre and only by truly believing in it can I really succeed in selling it
 
so yeah, RDJ is still on my mind a bit, but I’m open for any moment curiosity comes around or whatnot :shrug: I know (all of the above) that involve him show me a good time. its just a matter of the moment feeling right and not forcing anything.
the frustrating thing with him is that he seems to be the perfect thing to inspire me to write my next big thing… the right story still hasn’t come along yet.
but I have a good feeling that as long as some loyalty is tied to him, the day will come where that dream of a story is something my mind can grasp and work out

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