Featured player from the “Hallway speech”: Insecurity

The word “insecurity” describes me at the moment and then the hallway speech came to mind directly after… as a lead in, if you will.

Perhaps the day will come when I can have a whole series of entries that… (what’s the word)… honor… pay homage (that’s it)… to each corridor Prince named in the hallway speech… made ever so famous in the underground movement of bootlegging that began in 1984… been going on ever since…

I have gone on for, literally, pages on this blog about how brilliant the song “Computer Blue” is…
what started out as something that freaked me out at first note because I thought it was Darling Nikki… silly me… first time seeing the movie, that song comes AFTER this one

we only get one verse of lyrics in the final cut of that song…

where is my love life?
where can it be?
there must be something wrong with the machinery

where is my love life?
where has it gone?
somebody please tell me what the hell is wrong

’till I find the righteous one, computer blue
’till I find the righteous one, computer blue

we get some brilliant guitar work in a couple forms

the first is combined with the choreography in perfect synch with Brown Mark and Wendy…
a little something that strikingly resembles oral sex
another bit of great synchronization with a portion taken directly from Nelson Sr.’s “songbook”

and of course, grinding the axe to end the track as it comes to a, literally, screeching halt


the evolution of this song is notorious as Prince’s songs come… it went through so many changes and revisions on one issue specifically…

Prince wanted the duet “Take me with U” on the soundtrack for his movie… a last minute addition… maybe to help promote Apollonia 6’s lead singer… maybe because it fit the flow better

I’m partially willing to bet part of the editing had to do with Prince… well, not quite the tie-in I was going for… being insecure about being that brutally honest about his lackluster love life (at least at the current time)… he thought he was revealing way too much and decided to opt for the obscure

because clearly, 4 minutes isn’t enough to do that song justice. It’s musicially brilliant

In it’s original form that runs anywhere between 12 and 14 minutes (depending on the version), the song builds up to a really eerie speech that Prince gives about a hallway…

it was a long walk to his bedroom so each hallway represented an emotion and he named each one as he walked past… in this quasi-nightmarish/dream sequence, he’s showing a girl these hallways

the names include:

Lust
Fear
Insecurity
Hate

even creepier, I’m really seeing (well, I’d been seeing all this for years, but I’m having an epiphany right now, lol) Prince’s lovelife being demonstrated through this

there’s the sexual desire, lust for a woman… wanting… whatever it is that men want… that drives him towards women

there’s the fear of losing them to someone else that plagues him… paranoia could get wrapped up in that

insecurity blossoms out of fear… and finally, it gets to the point where he hates the woman… either cuz he breaks her heart or vice versa

oh right… at the very end, the last corrider is “Pain”… the pain of loss

hearing the entire song the first time blew my mind… and I guess it kinda goes without saying that I’m gonna have to listen to it now…

someone who… actually… created a forum called “Computer Blue”… she made a version where she mixed bits and pieces of different versions of it into one… it’s pretty good… about 13:20 in length

after a long day… ups and downs… same old, same old… though with the addition of another phone call… but at least this is a scientific head hunter… gave me a description for a position I don’t think I’m quite qualified for… I guess I’m starting to make some excuses, but I digress…
something about being a quality control agent… which might be a little too much to take on… what if I’m wrong… then I’d screw up the workings at the company…
it’s more that than I prefer lab work to paperwork…

hmmm… this song seems to be fitting me pretty good right now (the “Father’s Song” portion)

I think I’ll wait to respond until tomorrow night… after I find out whether or not I have jury duty next week… I’m betting is very likely… its less likely the following week… would they really have court dates during Thanksgiving?

I’m running out of time in November… either they’re gonna (can’t hear Wendy & Lisa too well here… “do you really know what love is?”) call me in or just push it off until the next month… supposedly, that’s how it works

here it comes… either my hearing is really starting to go in my left ear or this version isn’t very clear in that area… luckily I’ve got a bunch… 7 minutes in roughly… not that one…

the first version someone gave me of the 12 minute version was good quality… but I got one later on that was much more pronounced in some areas vocally

eh, close enough… “lust and love… entirely different words”

trying again…………….. insecurity…

I think after this, I’ll listen to one version that runs 7 minutes… which is closest to the album version

I’m not… chills…

entirely sure if I’m taking ill… there’s something wrong with my left ear, or coming so…

the only thing I can think of is that I listen to my stereo a lot and it is on my left… or my ear buds are really getting to me, I kinda explained that weeks ago… but I haven’t really listened to them in weeks… not in cases where I favor my left ear over my right so I can rest in bed before I try to go to sleep

this song probably is one great… one of, actually… a bunch of great examples of Prince’s screaming capabilities in this one album… just this album

he’s passionately in love in “The Beautiful Ones”… made me believe that screaming is an expression of forlorn infatuation
this has great screaming… I love it in the 12 minute version during the hook midway through between Bobby Z and Dr. Fink… just gotta lean my head back and mimic wailing my vocal cords out

on the 7 minute version now…

okay… just does the first verse… Father’s song portion is the same length… then we get to the extended part…

of course… there’s “Darling Nikki” which comes from the very pit of his being… very few people can scream like that (I believe Susan Rodgers said that, but I’m not positive)…
and if “When Doves Cry” counts, that’s another…

oh and “Purple Rain”… “I know, I know, times are changin'” very briefly

goes from “everyone work out” to “on the verge of a breakdown”…

okay, and the rest follows suit including a portion that could easily segue into “Darling Nikki”

“the sun is gone”

“where is the dawn?”

aw hell yeah… that’s good stuff…

Doing whatever it is I do to entertain myself puts off worrying about my insecurities to the point I forget I have them…

but they never seem to go away.

 

the only way I can really explain it is… it’s very easy for a person who has very little success to feel comfortable with anything sticking around…

I entertain the ideas of one day being in a relationship… if I find myself lucky enough to be in the company of someone who likes me for me :shrug: doesn’t mind or doesn’t see my flaws that I can be myself around…

I suspect myself falling into one of two categories… one is more likely than the other, though I have become acid-tongued enough in one case where I believe the other is equally possible

either I’m going to be so weak in conversation, not wanting to move too fast or just in general… there’s the fear of losing someone I care about because I’m not doing enough for them (and I don’t just mean the bedroom… I mean in general… like “doesn’t do it for me” opposed to “doesn’t do it for me”

or I’m going to become insanely jealous, controlling, wanting to be on top of everything and in being so paranoid, I end up losing them anyway…
I found myself in that category when it came to Kirby and this other girl that I knew was about him… whenever she made it her business… it got to the point on Facebook where she’d always be commenting on his posts, asking him to visit the school…

meanwhile, I couldn’t get a phone call out of the guy… so of course, I thought… didn’t think she was winning… and although I’m tempted, I’m not going to check his Facebook profile to see if he’s still wit his girlfriend… it’d be ridiculous and there’s no point in it. We already settled things and have agreed to remain friends

not that I’m really around for my friends… except for voting for reality shows… or this week, as an alarm clock to see the Twi-cast on Regis & Kelly… definitely didn’t want to miss Rob this morning… omg, so cute and so sweet…
point is, I don’t feel like turning my phone on anymore… I guess because I got paranoid after that random phone number called me

I think I commented on one of my friends’ statuses today… I guess that counts 😕

right now, I think what’s been keeping me busy is my Twi-hard-headedness (huh… maybe I should trademark that, lol) about wanting to put together my version of “Twilight” as a film

although it does occur to me to do so, I’m not entirely sold on just… oh… watching a YouTube clip of RDJ is just what I need to make me feel better

the truth is it does, but I don’t want to admit that’s the key ingredient to my happiness… I’d been perfectly happy in times where he wasn’t the focus of my “night”life

the break is definitely good… especially tonight… still steering clear from “Less than Zero”… which I plan to do until… I dunno… maybe forever… or just maybe if Fox Movie Channel allows me… in Februrary, doing it all over again

I’d also been steering clear of “Sherlock Holmes”… any temptation to watch the movie just because it’s on the movie channels all the time…
nope, I’m going to spare myself that until the beginning of December at the earliest…

the closest to the next film, the better… I’d kinda overexposed myself enough as it is…

in the beginning, it was a toss-up between “not getting enough of him” and really trying to figure out how the mystery was solved, making sense of every piece of it…
what took me maybe seeing the movie 5 times in a month took Sherlock maybe one or two observances to figure out… very brilliant mind, that one

not sure if I went into this in another entry… I decided to dabble into “enemy waters”… I didn’t really plan on seeing any other version of Sherlock Holmes… Robert is closest to the source material, so I’ll stick with him…

I watched… wow, can’t believe it’s been almost a week already… “The Hound of the Baskervilles” starring… shoot, forget the name already… Peter Cushing, I think, who we later see the commander of the Death Star

in the title role… opposed to Basil Rathbone, whose version had aired months ago while I was midway reading the story…

I thought it was going to be more terrifying… all of this hype about it from my dad… maybe Basil’s version will be a little creepier… maybe its due to the fact that I know how the story goes, so there’s nothing to be afraid of… everything supernatural could be explained with logic

Sherlock’s intelluect and sense of humor was there in bits and pieces, some of which I quite admired…
but ultimately, I read the stories, invisioning Robert’s psyche… not psyche… physique… in Sherlock’s shoes… but the things that were coming from his mouth transcended anything that he could manage even with the brilliant performance I believe he gave of THAT version of the character… the eccentric Bohemanian-style private investigator who is very skilled physically as well

the stories were most certainly an adventure…

and another note, the Watson in this version wasn’t nearly as bumbly as Basil’s Watson… but he definitely is no Afghanistan war veteran

I read Watson’s words in the narratives and I see Jude Law in body and in voice 😉

 

I’m not sure if it was because we added kidney beans, but geesh… I made black bean soup today (started work at 10am… while semi-watching “Fever Pitch”… saw it once before and was disappointed… kinda liked it better this time around) for company and it got rave reviews…
but right now, I remember neglecting the word “bean”…

what is it about beans that leads to… whatever… nothing serious, of course…

In general, I’m feeling all right… my eyes are starting to go a little bit tonight and I’m starting to lose my way from my title…
my left ear feels kinda stuffed up and maybe in connection, my throat is dry on the left side…
that would explain why some people are ear/nose/throat specialists that deal with all three parts of the body

I’d hate to go back to the doctor in general… she gave me crap about my ear the last time… and it wasn’t quite like this back then… just a bit irritated because of that damn fire engine alarm that wouldn’t go away at Rehobeth Beach a few summers ago… ruined an entire day for me cuz I was paranoid of it coming back

don’t want to get tubes in my ears again… or anything where I have to go under the knife.. I don’t come up feeling all that great… me and anesthesia just don’t mix, the nausea gets excuriating after a while

but at the same time… well, course I don’t want to lose my hearing… I had said a couple times that if I lived in a world where I couldn’t hear music, it would be the end of the world for me and I would seriously consider making it so…
I have trouble communicating enough verbally with my ears intact

I communicate well by typing so I could lean on that entirely to communicate rather than signing… I can sign the alphabet, but I wouldn’t mind knowing a few other things too…

yeah, my throat’s kinda sore on my left when I swallow… not quite sure why… I can only hope its one of those things that goes away with time… hoping that its not a virus, which doesn’t go away on its own

naturally, I’m very insecure about the mere idea of taking on this project… when the film was so easily accepted and loved by Twi-hards, creators and actors alike… my idea sounds like it’d be a huge slap to the face for them… all of their hard work means nothing because I find things I want to change, that I wish weren’t there…

if there were any Harry Potter films, I’d consider doing the overhaul with, it’d be the one I watched tonight “The Order of the Phoenix”… there are plenty of details that I miss from the book…

maybe the fact that Harry must return to the Dursleys every summer because his mom’s blood protects him there (as its under her sister’s roof)

Lupin having more lines would be nice…

the real big ones are more confrontations between McGonagall and Umbridge… a huge one is the career advice session where McGonagall puts it on the line for Harry, saying she’d coach him so he’d become an auror, if only to prove Umbridge wrong…

more of Harry & Cho, definitely… it just seems like a letdown that she’s the one who squealed on the D.A. instead of her friend, that really wasn’t interested in going to the meetings in the first place

more in-depth on the OWL examinations… it was cool when the one examiner told Harry, s/he heard from Amelia Bones (via his hearing at the beginning of the book) that he could do a corpeal patronus and with it, he got extra credit on his Defense Against the Dark Arts exam

a little more discussion about Harry’s father… the memories he saw of Snape’s during his Occulmency lessons

I could go on… but I wouldn’t do an entire overhaul for that…

with “Twilight,” I wouldn’t have much choice… I’d gone past accepting what we got, I’d be interested in working my brain to see if I could do a closer version to the book…
and if its not an entire makeover, it’ll be too close to what they did, but me added & subtracting scenes left and right… I have said with a couple of scenes that I like how they are, wouldn’t change it… in logic’s sense, it wouldn’t make any sense… feels like stealing by taking others ideas and making my own additions to them

so far, I’d been able to list a number of scenes in the fashion of DVD scene selection… not quite sure what will be included (amount of dialogue, settings, etc.) in the scenes, but I have titles at least… a barebones outline

then from there, I gotta figure out what elements I want in each of those scenes… and go on from there… and if it gets to be too much, I could always :yawn:… just list a couple of actions… a paragraph of description for every 10 lines of dialogue

an adequate script will be my first goal… and I want to avoid, for starters… rewriting the entire script of the movie and hightling my favorite quotes… if I do that, it’s going to be quotes from the book

the other bit of insecurity I felt came after watching Harry Potter… for whatever reason…

I guess I got to thinking about Edward… I saw “Twilight” so my mind is following the trek to “New Moon”… then I remembered what that book did to me the first time I read it…

I was never in such a rush to get to the end of a book before… probably took me 16-18 hours, plus 6 hours of sleep… barely managed, that is

because I got New Moon & Eclipse for Christmas, I knew that Edward was going to come back at some point… or else there wouldn’t be another book…

I was so exhilarating by Twilight that I reread it and couldn’t wait to devour New Moon… it was starting just the same as it did with the infatuation…

then the bomb went off and I was completely blindsided

after saying in the previous book that he was never going to leave, Edward left… said he and Bella weren’t meant to go together, he didn’t love her anymore… and basically everything she and I (as the person reading her narration) had was gone… over…

those feelings of abandonment stayed with me to that night where I had, for the first and last time in my life (this was over two nights, mind you), where I had cried over a book… pretty ridiculous, I know… but I was pretty devestated about the whole thing…

asking how he could do this… why he could do this… feeling lonely… not being good enough…

because, at the time, I didn’t know what was going to happen next… Jacob was a bright spot for me as he was for Bella… not so much as some would say, she wasn’t miserable when he was around… not that her words were more pleasant when he was around… it was just easy to get through, easy breezy…

those feelings that I thought I had discarded a couple years ago when I found out how the story ended… they came back, very fresh as if those wounds were just inflicted the other day. It wasn’t pleasant… and seeing as… of course, I knew because Kristen Stewart was making Bella more angsty than I imagined her to be, she would do a great job making this as hard to watch as it was to read…
Ebert found it particularly hard to watch… I think he gave it 1.5 stars

as much as I want to stay steeped in Twilight, though… I am going to have to watch New Moon and Eclipse in the next week… all the better to prep myself for Breaking Dawn in precisely one week, give or take 12 hours

whoa, can’t believe it’s almost 1am again… like 12:40…

something else that’s really tempting that I’m trying to resist… I have two copies of Twilight… one is the paperback that has seen some degradation after I’d read the story maybe the first 5 times… my mom got me the hardcover because, well, the quality was starting to go a bit on the paperback…

even then, as much as I’m tempted to, I don’t want to write in or make notes in my paperback copy of “Twilight” for this projection… except in textbooks, I never write in books… just isn’t my thing… this coming from the same person who takes offence to any reference of burning books

feeling pretty good right now… a little tired… I guess writing it down helps process the information

I woulda launched into an entire entry of anger about Joe Paterno getting fired, Eddie Murphy quitting the Oscars (luckily Billy Crystal is taking his place)… but I don’t have the energy right now to maintain that emotion

 

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s