It’s hard to combat cynicism without eloquence…

… story of my life at this current moment.


But also I gotta say thank God for Prince because without him and his music, I wouldn’t have this tremendous need/urge to buffer against negativity…

and taking a few other things into account, I’m also thinking this might be one of the reasons why RDJ infilitrated his way into my life to the degree that he has.
namely, experiencing “Less than Zero” allowed me to think outside of the box… and a result, I no longer feel people are too long gone, even when they’d run into trouble numerous times.

If he can come back from it and fight back to get as far as he has, anyone else can… given they have the right circumstances around him.
Rumor has it that “Glee” pushed its premiere back a week, not to start shooting until August. A justifiable decision. People on Facebook have been… what’s the phrase again… putting their 2 cents in about how they should address the loss of Finn to the show.
Whatever it is, it has to be sudden and it also needs some sort of foundation. But I really don’t feel comfortable with the idea of bringing the true reality into it. I feel that would taint his memory.

But I’m just getting off-topic here.

If at all possible, when it comes to the way I view things, I want to remain positive. Honestly, when I’m surrounded by negativity, I literally feel like I’m eroding on the inside. Like my moral core is being eaten away at and if I don’t escape from it soon, I’m afraid I’ll turn into a cynic like everyone else.

It really feels like it’s been cropping up a lot lately… probably a good deal of it (maybe 75%, lol) is due to the Trayvon Martin case… 
just now I went on Yahoo (my go-to online news source) to see for myself what Obama said at his press conference in response to the case and how the African-American community has been handling it…

To me, it shook out all right. Racism still exists in this country and over the years, I’d gotten past my own prejudices and now, I barely bat an eyelash about it…
I gravely dislike Chris Brown and Kanye West, but race has nothing to do with it… both of them are losers that don’t know when to shut up, and with Chris Brown, I depise the fact he still has a career because he has a checkered past and he’s got a horrible attitude.
On the other hand, there are artists like Ne-Yo, Jason DeRulo, Bruno Mars (although I’m not sure if he’s more black or Hawaiian, lol)… and of course Prince and Morris Day… that I enjoy listening to and I get into their sound quite a bit.

The thing is, though, whenever Obama makes an appearance or he issues a statement saying this and that… it’s a gag-fest with everyone I know… they disbelieve and distrust everything he says… he makes it sound personal to appeal to people and it does nothing but repel…

Seriously? What are you people expecting? He has as just a right to their opinion as everyone else. And literally everything he says gets a gag or eye-roll or SOMETHING negative… as if everything he says counts for nothing… that seriously can’t be true about EVERYTHING he says… 

And if it’s not that, the scoffing comes from the sole idea that it’s all about the agenda… my folks believe his agenda is to destory everything that makes America great… heck, my aunt thinks he’s the Anti-Christ… 
there are literally hundreds, if not thousands, of bits of photoshoot in circulation that has him posing with or intermingled with satanic imagery… and chances are my folks will find it and nod, saying that’s completely accurate.

It was one thing where Kathy Griffin’s stand-up shtick on a “Seinfeld” story arc was “Jerry Seinfeld is the devil”… and after every conversation or disagreement they had, she’d insert it into her stand-up act… 
but it’s another where it’s just on and on about this highly skewed anti-liberal stance on things.

Part of the unrelenting tirades, I know for a fact, happen for my benefit… to drive me crazy… or even worse, get my aunt wound up so she’ll go on a verbal rampage about it… 
Earlier I was thinking how they’re all very much like the group of popular kids at high school that did nothing but talk behind people’s backs and keep saying how ugly or horrible they are… 

The past few times I’d tried to end the issue, the answer was that it really was for my benefit, to let me know how much things in this country suck right now and I should take notice…
I took notice after the millionth time…

I could literally draw out the conversation and figure the algorinthm of all of my responses… either way, I’m in the wrong or I’m the idiot who doesn’t know what the hell they’re talking about…

True to form, my go-to method of coping is ignorance… I’d rather not know too much because I’d rather not let the cynicism get to me and completely change me.

Earlier at happy hour, the hot topic was taxes… mainly school taxes and why people who don’t have kids have to contribute as much as people that do… one of our neighbors was talking about it, and this literally went on for 10 minutes. I hadn’t had enough to drink to make any outbursts (not that I do when I drink… man I wish I was a tirading drunk, so for once I’d be brave enough to speak my mind), but I felt like I was ready to lose my mind or just fly away and vanish… wanting to just get the hell away from the negativity…

my desired response would be… 
life isn’t fair, the tax code sucks, what are you going to do about it… there’s nothing you can do, so why bother?
a) it’s called venting and;
b) what do I know? I’m unemployed and aren’t paying taxes (the past couple years, I’d gotten refund checks from the IRA my grandma left us)

9 times out of 10, that’s how the conversation could end… I don’t work, so I have no right to lecture people about complaining about paying taxes when I don’t… 
mix in the fact that I hadn’t been around as much as everyone else and haven’t lived enough of life, therefore I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about… 

seriously, the only other thing I can think to add to that is the following:
I’m aware that the system is broken. Either do something to make the change yourself or suck it up and shut up about it… 
Even if all of us in the neighborhood got together to storm whatever governement building… well you know the saying “You can’t fight city hall…”
and it goes on…
“You can’t fight corporate America. They are big and we are small. You can’t fight city hall”…

Rocko’s Modern Life… they had a whole song about that… well that was practicially it…
the only other song I remember to its fullest is where they’re spelling out recycle, conserve, don’t pollute or else you’ll get what you deserve…
ok, so it was a Green Peace opportunity, but you catch my drift.

Everything can be twisted around and aimed back at the governement… 
it seems a lot worse now because of this, that and the other thing… plus you have the Internet and multiple biased news station going crazy, analyzing every detail… but it’s always been kinda true that life is unfair… things aren’t supposed to make sense all the time…

Seriously, the sooner you accept that, the better because all the fuming and venting is just going to eat away at you until there’s nothing good left inside… you just spew cyncism at every turn…

as for my own situation, I’ve got a date in mind where I’m going to start taking initiative… I’ll turn in my paperwork for volunteering at the animal shelter and… as much as I fucking hate the idea of it, I’ll see if the deli counter will take me back part-time… and maybe eye a few other local places… 

Right now I feel like I own the age of 27, but I won’t get there for at least another week… plus a few days… literally 10 days from now [yeah, I had to do the math]…
26 was an age of confusion… although technically I don’t know what the hell I came away with… at least with age 25, I knew that my mind was opened up more to R-rated content and I’d experienced a dirty mind on a couple occasions… lately my thing has been more about pricking up my ears whenever I hear a story that mentions the words “brothel” or “prostitution” or “strip club” or anything of that nature… my mind is fishing for story ideas, but I’m kinda finding it interesting…

I’m still working through the logistics of how those activities play into the storyline and justifying its reason for being there… it’s not as if Talia and the other girls are working for a couple of pimps who hold their lives in their hands unless they do as they’re instructed… and I don’t want the story to be about that…
sure, when the story comes together, it’s likely to anger a lot of people… so I’m really hoping that I do it skillfully where it’s not nearly as bad as it sounds… even in the roughest of drafts, I can see this being put on a list of “challenged” or “banned” books… because even in my head, it sounds like it glorifies prostitution… 

I really don’t have an excuse for Vanessa and Amber at the moment… for now, Vanessa primarily… Amber, I’m still trying to figure out… but there are times in this brainstorming process (a lot of it has been over the past 2 weeks) where I wondered if the story should really be about her because that’s where the most motivation and growth is happening…
Scarlet and Ruby… well, I’d say they’re justified, but right now I can feel my logic unraveling… the story I had was that their father abused them, one night they aimed to make an escape and only Scarlet got away… just recently, I considered a “Blown Away” scenario, but instead of a tornado ripping through, Ruby exacts her revenge by exposing him for the monster he is… either killing him in self-defense or having him arrested after he assaulted her… but if I take it that far, it might do away with my justification… 
considering how much more time (at least a year or two) Ruby had to endure that, I could plea insanity and say her mindset got warped so much that she could be construed as a sex addict… crazy stuff…
Amber makes sense because she has no family, she ran away from her group home at the age of either 14 or 15 and the main venue was the only place that’d hire her… years later, that’s still true because she never sent to school, so she wouldn’t be able to get work anywhere else than in waitressing and dancing…

Talia’s mindset is the most important because it’s at the heart of my story, the reason why I have a story rather than just a bunch of sequences set to my favorite current female enpowerment anthems… I gotta really know my way in and out of her head because there’s no way I can proceed if holes can be poked in the synposis of her psychology.

But mainly, the reasoning behind this extra career choice is money-driven… I believe… the venue can only afford to pay them so much and they only get so much in tips… so hypothetically, the girls could volunteer to go the distance if extra funds are required for something… but some always goes back to the venue… there are no strings attached, but they do it because they’re grateful to have the work they do and have a place to express themselves through dance…

I’d considered the idea of a couple of them wanting to work towards building their own dance studio, but it’s too early in the process for me to have much confidence in that… but it’d at least be a start.

Wow, never would have though all this would have come together….

I’m suspicious that there are times the tenor of my responses to this, that and the other is perceived apathetic… another thing I anticipate being scolded for because again, I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about… but honestly, it isn’t apathy… it’s fucking acceptence… I accept that this sucks, I know that for a fact… 
leave me the hell alone… 
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